Words Suck! (A Writing Exercise)




If actual experience were the Empire State Building, words are the dirt that collects on the pinnacle of the flashing red globe at the top. 




Words suck!


A nineteen-year- old dies in Afghanistan!  Your heart is broken!  Shakespeare wrote a play! 


Let me attempt to prove my point.


Writers, be prepared to have a nervous breakdown after doing this exercise, as your whole existence might come into question, and you may have second, third, fourth, fifth and sixth thoughts about why you’re still a barista.


This amazing experiment requires only three things:


1)      Paper


2)      Pencil


3)      Power saw


Writing exercise:


First, cut off your hand with the power saw.  Second, write as much as you’d like about what it’s like to cut your hand off with a power saw.  I recommend using a tourniquet on the bloody stump which should allow you to finish this writing exercise.


Done?  Okay, put down your pencil and take a deep breath (you’re looking kind of pale).


The fact is (and I know I’m going out on a limb here-oh, sorry) that the paper you wrote, the bloody one there on the bloody table, doesn’t come close to the actual experience.  It’s like trying to describe an orgasm to a blind man (wait, did I get that wrong? Damn words!).


I bet you wrote some amazing descriptions of the 6000 RPM cross-cut blade ripping through your skin and bone, blood spraying like raspberry syrup from a dolphin’s blowhole.  But guess what?  It wasn’t even close!


Dirt on the flashing red globe! Orgasms and blind colors! Bullets ripping through your shirt!


But let’s keep trying.  Let’s keep trying, even if we’re at the top of the Empire State Building, our words covering that flashing red light like little particles of dust.  Because that’s what’s really important.  That’s what keeps us going. 


That and coffee, from that writer over there smiling back at us, making that Triple Grande Latte.








About bestbathroombooks

I run a small publishing company and am presently seeking the funniest, coolest and most marketable ideas to sell in places like Urban Outfitters, Papyrus, college bookstores and independent bookstores in the Humor Sections. Contact me through this blog or better at www.bestbathroombooks.com. There are some talented people out there writing good, funny, conceptual books and blogging some funny stuff. I wish I had time to read more and write more. I have a day gig and do a lot of other things, but blogging helps me stay connected to my laptop and ensures sterility (due to EMF on my testicles) which is great because I've had enough kids. Les
This entry was posted in Kinda Funny and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

20 Responses to Words Suck! (A Writing Exercise)

  1. John Erickson says:

    I’m not sure if this post was genius personified, or clinical dementia requiring massive medication and restraints.
    Tell ya what. Since I’m doing the massive medication, I’ll let you take the “genius” bit. Call it an early Christmas present. 😉

  2. SInce I’m not on any drugs (at the moment) I will have to claim some sort of savantness, though I would never claim to be an idiot of your caliber.

    • John Erickson says:

      Now, now, I’m not an idiot – he’s got his own blog at The Idiot Speaketh. I’m just crazy! 😀

      • Wait! I thought that was you. Now I feel like an idiot.

      • John Erickson says:

        (Sigh.) Again, YOU aren’t the idiot, it’s somebody else! The most you can claim is “goof”, though I usually have that one sewn up. (Hey, multiple personalities, multiple titles! 😀 ) How about just a nice, simple oops? We have a special on those today! 😉
        On a serious note, I didn’t realise your original comment of “a kid died in Afghanistan” was about an actual person you knew. If you haven’t heard of it, there is a website called http://www.icasualties.org that lists all the fatalities from both Iraq and Afghanistan. I think you know “Brainrants” – he ships out in March to A-stan. I won’t inject politics one way or the other, but I’ll be so happy when I don’t have to check that gruesome list any more.

      • Thanks John. I’m glad you directed me to this site even though I don’t want to think he’s a numbrer either. I guess numbers suck too.

  3. Kaitlin says:

    Well yeah… but most people don’t want their hand cut off with a saw so they’ll just take the next…best? … thing XD

    Still, amusingly good point.

  4. aFrankAngle says:

    Crap … I tried this but i could write much because I removed my writing hand. Oh well, will try again next week.

  5. Angie Z. says:

    I feel like this when I suddenly recall a real doozy of a childhood story that would be perfect blog fodder. And then I think, there is no way I can screw this up. Just the story alone could make a poor writer look good. But then I finish and think I blew it. I just took a bloody stump and made it into a papercut.

  6. Nice! I just got frustrated because a 19 year old kid on my street got killed in Afghanistan. At that point, I could only express my displeasure with words.

  7. Thanks Angie. Words cannot express….

  8. joem18b says:

    nice. the dust on the red light on the building sort of explains the situation really well. i guess words can do just about anything, when you think about it!

  9. speaker7 says:

    I think when words fail me, a good punch in the face is the next best thing.

  10. Don’t punch yourself in the face. I wrote a really powerful description I’ll email you.

  11. talker96 says:

    I once had to describe an orgasm to a blind man.
    That being said, good post.

  12. I bet he came in a hundred colors.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s