Laughing in Technicolor

I bring up vomiting because many people have vomited in the first few hours of the New Year, and to them I say:

 “Happy New Year!  Isn’t it starting off great?” 

One of my New Year’s resolutions is not to throw up, and I think I’m doing pretty well so far this year.  I mean, we’re already four days into it and I’m batting a thousand.  Other years, I haven’t been quite so “on the money” as they say (they being the people who equate money with one’s accuracy at guessing the frequency of vomiting).

I am one of those people who do not vomit easily, surely not as easily as those in the famous pie-eating scene in Stephen King’s Stand By Me. 

Seeing people vomiting does not induce me to vomit.  Eating day old clams on the half shell with extra hollandaise sauce, well, that’s a different story.  (Did I mention I was hammered?)

Babies, those little bundles of joy, have a healthy gag reflex and, as I learned from my own children, will blow chow and keep right on laughing and giggling and suckling on Mama’s teat as if nothing flew out of their mouths all over Dad’s face.  Some children become highly skilled at vomiting at an early age.  Parents may notice a difference between those who daintily make their way to the toilet and deposit their over-indulgence in Gummy Bears to those who actually twirl like a Rainbird as they spew Coke and Mentos on the Elvis Collectibles we all own.

Like every bodily function involving the expelling of material, there is an etiquette to vomiting.  Anyone who has driven home a heaving friend knows that it’s much better to have the topcoat of paint removed from your rear panel than to hose out and vacuum the interior of the car for approximately two and half years.  Also, as is typified in many Chick Flicks (these are movies especially made for baby birds), it is customary for the protagonist to hold back the hair of the girl who is beautiful and is right in front of him while the bitch we all can’t stand treats him like shit, but the girl we all want him to like is throwing up, making her seem undesirable to him, but to us, the fact that she’s barfing and suffering just endears us to her more, and we would hold back her hair, hell, we would let her vomit all over us because we know she’s beautiful and perfect, even if that stupid Ashton Kutcher has no idea and is just rolling his eyes as she wretches.

What’s great about the human body is that, even if you’re a complete idiot, your body has decided that the eight shots of Patron and two Jaeger bombs were not really a good idea, and wants you, even though your body thinks you are an idiot, to live, because if you die with your stupid Patron-swilling brain, your body will go down with you.

And your body will not have it.

Lastly, because I tend to wrap things up so tightly it’s hard for people to breath after reading, vomiting is the only bodily function which is proceeded by the word “projectile”, which to me puts it into the Hierarchy of Functions (something I just now made up but sounds legit so I’ll Google it later and see how badly I misused the phrase).

Anyway, my hope for everyone in the coming year is that, when the time comes, you can vomit successfully and that someone you really love holds back your hair.

www.bestbathroombooks.com

 

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About bestbathroombooks

I run a small publishing company and am presently seeking the funniest, coolest and most marketable ideas to sell in places like Urban Outfitters, Papyrus, college bookstores and independent bookstores in the Humor Sections. Contact me through this blog or better at www.bestbathroombooks.com. There are some talented people out there writing good, funny, conceptual books and blogging some funny stuff. I wish I had time to read more and write more. I have a day gig and do a lot of other things, but blogging helps me stay connected to my laptop and ensures sterility (due to EMF on my testicles) which is great because I've had enough kids. Les
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25 Responses to Laughing in Technicolor

  1. It has been a long time since I’ve read such a well-thought-out dissertation on puke. Well done!

  2. speaker7 says:

    This post was so amazing I almost puked….but I didn’t because I abhor vomiting and avoid it all cost even if it means the vomit trickles out of my ears.

  3. Hey 7, I actually lied in this post (the first time ever). I puke if I drink too much, which is why I don’t drink that much. Hate fu*king hangovers!
    Real alcoholics can hold it back. I don’t know where it comes out though.

  4. improvmantra says:

    Wow. That is such a sweet thing to say at the end of your blog. Thanks. I hope when puke next someone I love is holding my hair. And I hope the very same for you.

  5. I just want you to have a good year Mantra!

  6. joem18b says:

    It seems that these past few years, vomiting has become the standard way for a movie to indicate that someone is really upset. Don’t know if that has caught on in the general culture yet, though. How many arguments between husband and wife end with one or both of them hurling, perhaps contending for the same bowl as their argument symbolically continues?

    • Great point, Joe. I didn’t even think about it, but now that you mention it, it’s true. That’s the new Hollywood way for people to deal with stress. That would be a good compilation of clips–adding in the ones for bulemia, after someone’s seen a dead body, had an accident, been punched in the stomach etc. Damn, I should of put them on here.

  7. Angie Z. says:

    Hilarious! I love talking about puke. Thanks for allowing me to puke all of this blither about puke onto your comment page.

    Usually puke talk never makes me feel the slightest bit sick. But a scene from one of my favorite bad movies that I never admit to watching is when the character Lloyd dry heaves after seeing Harry with his love interest. That part actually makes me feel sick for a second. Then I also came close to throwing up when a friend who works at a nature center recently posted on his Facebook wall, “I hope you never have to smell vulture puke in your lifetime.” I almost threw up in mouth at that instant and then I said a prayer to the heavens that God made Facebook for just this very purpose.

  8. Thanks for the puke paragraph. I don’t know what vulture puke smells like, but it might trigger the gag reflex in me too. If you find a clip from that video, feel free to post it here!

  9. Lez says:

    If only our new puppy had opposable thumbs. There’s agonizing pain, and then there’s vomiting, my 1st and 2nd least desirable bodily functions. Well done, Les, to write about a nauseating subject without nauseating me. I’m not so squeamish after all! ((( : )

  10. I will hold your hair back any day.

  11. Lori Franks says:

    This post made me sick!
    Good writing skillz…

  12. rantonit says:

    The last time…. the last time I coated everyone with nacho cheese doritoes ,fun times.

  13. Oh Man! That must have been gruesome (do you have video of that, ’cause I’d like to watch it in slo mo).
    I’m glad it was the last time too.

  14. aFrankAngle says:

    I can’t recall the last time I puked other than illness … then again, I haven’t watched any of the Republican debates.

    Puke quotes: http://thinkexist.com/quotes/with/keyword/puke/

    A puke joke (but not mine): Three penises were talking to each other and the first one said, “I like my master he lets me look outside.”
    The second said, “I like my master he plays with me.”
    The third said, “I hate my master he puts me in a rubber suit and pushes me in and out of a dark cave till I puke.”
    http://instantrimshot.com/

  15. Red says:

    I think the only thing worse than attempting to upholster the back seat is having to sand and paint the wall when your roommate’s boyfriend du jour has entirely too many funnels of beer and crashes in the crack between her bed and the wall. Definitely a good excuse to buy a new gas mask.
    Red.

  16. John Brown says:

    For those of you talking about vulture vomit up there… I can verify it is unbearable. It’s their defense mechanism for a reason, just like the skunk’s spray. The food they eat is already rotten, so imagine it after it’s half-digested goop…

    IF it ever gets on you, good luck washing it out, too. Ugg… bad memories

    • Thanks John. We needed a heads up from someone who knew about vulture vomit. It is heartening to know the pungency is worse than humans’. It makes holding back hair that much more bearable.

  17. It’s every little girl’s dream: to find the man who will hold her hair back while she vomits.

  18. I absolutely believe my son in law would do this for my daugther. I hope my son would do it for his wife too. I hope I taught them well!

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