When we were kids, we learned about nouns. Nouns are things. An orgasm is a thing that insurance companies like to call an intangible. It’s nothing you can put in a cardboard box, but it’s important, like having the peace of mind that if Dad suddenly dies of a heart attack, Mom won’t have to go out and whore.
Orgasms, being intangible things, are the reason people originally came up with the word mindf*ck. The cavemen discovered this, and coined the word. The original mindf*ck is when you are trying to have an orgasm but you can’t (because the Neanderthals are coming and you’re distracted). The opposing mindf*ck is when you are trying not to have an orgasm but you do (much to the relief of the sheep). One of my readers, sexuallifeofawife, an anonymous UK blogger, writes that her husband suffers from delayed ejaculation. I knew of a man who said the only way he could reach orgasm with his wife was to fantasize that his wife was a woman who didn’t want him to have an orgasm. Then he could reach his climax, knowing that he wasn’t supposed to have one.
We’ve come so far.
You’ve probably heard of this affliction-Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome– where the sufferer has orgasms all the time. This doesn’t seem like a bad thing. I guess it’s similar to being really, really rich. After awhile, the money doesn’t mean anything and you feel empty and depressed that all you and your two sisters have is a reality show based on your giant ass.
Orgasms are something that occur naturally in the human body with just the right balance of mental and physical stimulation. When humans are stimulated to orgasm, several things occur. I’m not going to list them here because everyone knows what I’m talking about (except Dick Cheney).
The most important thing to occur when you have an orgasm is the Orgasm Face. Many of us have seen our spouse display the Orgasm Face, and some of us have actually had something to do with it.
IDEA: What if there was a website dedicated solely to the Orgasm Face?
I googled “Orgasm Faces”. I think some of them are real, and some of them are pictures of a man getting his foot hit with a hammer. But as the year ends, I think we should take stock of our lives, think back on all the orgasms we’ve shared and come together. Because this is Christmas, and there’s nothing better than giving the one you love a toe-curling, heart-pounding, mind-blowing intangible. And if you give your partner a really, really big one, the kids can play in the box.