The Sourest Taboo

Okay, so we all remember sitting in Sociology 101, our professor with the elbow patches going through the mores of different societies.  Everyone is shocked when he talks about the Etoro Tribe of New Guinea, whose young boys drink the sperm of their elders to enhance their vital force.  

Right now, because this kind of activity is taboo in most other societies, many of you readers are making a face like you just sniffed Grampa’s undies—I can see you actually gagging through my video feed to your screen.  But please hang on, because– as usual–I have a point that is not easily gleaned while on the verge of spewing chow.

Since I live in America—where drinking sperm is pretty far down the Importance List with “critical thinking” and “giving a shit about anything but my TV”, I’d like to complain just a smidge about what jackasses we are when it comes to our mores.  For those of you unfamiliar with mores, they are like ‘smores, but without the chocolate melting in the middle, because melting chocolate is punishable by death in many societies—and will be in America if we’re not careful.

Okay, mores (pronounced morays, like the eel) are defined as guidelines of human conduct as dictated by a society’s families and religious beliefs.

Note: If mores is pronounced mor-ays, and Sade is pronounced Shar-day, what the foo-kay is up with the English language people?

Living in a capitalistic society and trying to make an honest buck to feed my starving family, I’ve written a book with my best friend and superior artist Joe Mielke.  Joe is an honorable man, and to my knowledge has never had sex with an animal (Are you reading this Joe? Please confirm.) 

So here’s a list of taboos that are NOT in our book:

Having sex with an animal

Killing people by blowing their heads off

Thefting an auto, Grandly

Molesting kids

Stealing money from a blind guy (a real blind guy, not an actor that is just staring off into the distance)

Lying to old people about their mortgage

Sexual Slavery

Making people look at or listen to Dick Cheney

Now you would think that, since our book is within the guidelines of society, there wouldn’t be a problem selling the book in a bookstore.  After all, the largest genre of books sold in America is Romance, and those novels pretty much use everything on the above list, plus Fabio on the cover .  Okay, they don’t have Dick Cheney in there, but don’t try to tell me there isn’t semen involved.

We, on the honorable and non-bestiality side, are promoting colon health, have already donated to the cause and believe we are saving the world one bowel movement at a time.   The book isn’t vulgar and the single-line drawings are awesome.

 All pretty damn noble, right?

Wrong. 

We’ve gotten some resistance from some booksellers because these horrible subjects are covered in the book:

Bodily Functions

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that America is fu*ked up.  We love sex and violence but we can’t talk about our own bodies and how they function.  If someone can’t poop, they will die.  Isn’t that how we lost Elvis?  If they can’t pee, they will die.  Isn’t that how we lost Dick Cheney?  What?  He’s still alive?  Seriously, has anyone taken his pulse in the last five minutes?.  If they can’t pass gas, they will explode–or feel bloated and less likely to want to get in an elevator.  Yet these heroines on horseback posing with Fabio can drink sperm all day long and the booksellers just eat it up.  Well I say America is going down the path of the Etoro Tribe, i.e. The Wrong Path.

So I’m asking, are we crazy?  Is our book so bad?  Why are Americans so afraid of farts?

I may have to listen to Mor-ay Shar-day just to calm the Fook-ay down.

Les

www.bestbathroombooks.com

The book is 15% off through Last Gasp for the Holidays!

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About bestbathroombooks

I run a small publishing company and am presently seeking the funniest, coolest and most marketable ideas to sell in places like Urban Outfitters, Papyrus, college bookstores and independent bookstores in the Humor Sections. Contact me through this blog or better at www.bestbathroombooks.com. There are some talented people out there writing good, funny, conceptual books and blogging some funny stuff. I wish I had time to read more and write more. I have a day gig and do a lot of other things, but blogging helps me stay connected to my laptop and ensures sterility (due to EMF on my testicles) which is great because I've had enough kids. Les
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29 Responses to The Sourest Taboo

  1. Lez says:

    Shit, poop, caca, deer pellets, dump, crap; if this one blog isn’t the best fodder for your next opus, then, foo-kay me, Bowel Master. ((( : )

  2. Hahaha “if someone can’t poop, they will die.” So insightful. It’s true though, people act like completely natural bodily functions just don’t happen. So stupid.

  3. talker96 says:

    A few questions before I buy the book:
    You state that it doesn’t kill people by blowing their heads off, which implies that it may not do it that way but it still kills people, how?
    No animal sex, but there is sex?
    I once stole money from a blind actor. Not a question, I just thought you should know.
    While it doesn’t have sex slaves, there are still slaves nonetheless?
    Last question, who is this Dick Cheney person you speak of?(of course I’m kidding, everyone knows he owns San Francisco)
    I’ll be buying.

  4. joe mielke says:

    Your knowledge is correct sir. The rest is well put as well. – Joe

  5. afrankangle says:

    This is one of the best promos ever — but don’t you think it would have been better if Joe admit an encounter?

  6. I am sad. The embedding was disabled, and I am no longer able to see a celebrity foof on live TV. Yes, I could go straight to youtube, but they are now making note of my preferences. And what would they think of me?

    • Yes, you have to go to youtube. Basically, it’s your worst nightmare with microphones and video rolling. But she’s human, so what’s the big deal?
      Are they going to print out your Google history soon? Love to read it.
      Les

  7. improvmantra says:

    As a director I am constantly asked if whatever I am directing contains an “foul language” because there might be kids in the audience. Seriously? What kid goes to see theater these days? They are all at the movies watching people screw while chopping off someone else’s head.

    • Excellent point! My wife and I go to Berkeley Rep all the time. Can’t say there’s one play I wouldn’t want my kids to see (or have seen when they were young enough to watch).
      Americans are nuts.
      Les

  8. John Erickson says:

    I’ll answer with a simple question. How come people killing other people gets a PG-13, or at worst R, rating when portrayed in a movie (often revoltingly frequently), yet sex gets you an R for the tamest scenes, and usually an X-rating? Why is the word “fuck”, which is the act of creating life, an obscenity when “kill”, which is the destruction of life, is used everyday and VERY lightly? (“Oh, man, I’d KILL for that new iPhone!”)
    Because our forefathers were a bunch of clenched-sphincter ultra-right-wing religious folk. And we have a TRULY screwed up sense of what is “right” and “wrong”, especially when compared to Europe.
    Good luck in pushing past the stone-walling idiots!

    • Thanks for the props, John! Really good points that back my argument. Seriously, one book seller said she’d have a signing, but not with kids around. She’s standing next to a Lady Gaga book with Gaga’s ass hanging out. I don’t get it. What fhe fu*k?
      Les

  9. speaker7 says:

    Maybe, on the cover, you should put Fabio shitting on toilet that contains a Dick Cheney?

  10. Is Dick Cheney in the toilet? I can probably make it happen.
    Les

  11. joem18b says:

    thanks, les. please send me the ones about sexual slavery and sex with animals when they’re ready.

  12. Thanks Joe, but that’s taboo. Our next book is “Phobias from A to Z, Know the Fears You’ve Had for Years.”
    Les

  13. John–am I going to have to pay royalties for these ideas?
    Les

  14. Now I have to get you something. Do you like fruitcake?
    Les

    • John Erickson says:

      Not really, even though I’ve been called one on MANY an occasion. Cash is always good, and this year, I’m very much in the market for a low-yield nuclear device, capable of completely obliterating an area about … how big is the neighbor’s house again? …. about 200′ by 200′. Limited radiation would be nice, none would be better. 😀

      • I can feel the Homeland Security lines vibrating as we speak.
        Les

      • John Erickson says:

        Naw, that’s just the rumble of the forklifts moving my November file into storage. Takes about 20 forklifts 96 hours to put a month away. I understand for 2012, they’re opening a whole new data center to digitalise my records. 1×10^32 bytes of data from 2010, if I remember right – blew the server farm all to heck. 😀

  15. Angie Z. says:

    I would like to resort to caveman times when we sniffed each other’s butt to say hello. I think you could learn a lot about a person that way. Handshakes often lie.

  16. I think you might get a few takers in the bloggosphere on that one. Kinda scary that all our COMMENTS stay on the web too, huh?
    HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
    Les

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