You’re Not Whole without your Holes

It’s always fun to write about nothing.  The void is as valuable as the other stuff, meaning that the blank page has certain qualities that we should all learn to appreciate, like the spaces between words.  Music’s only as fine as the silence it’s compared to. Babies are born with nothing in their heads and everyone coos and kisses them and projects saintly thoughts on them, because they don’t know Jack Shit about life and those little bundles of joy smell pretty damn good before they meet Mr. Shit.

Innocence is considered to be of the ultimate value, and people mourn innocence lost.  But innocence is just more of the blankness, the void.  It eventually gets lost, or more accurately, a bunch of other junk gets found and stuffed into our heads like a three-car garage you can’t even fit your Vespa in.

Having rambled on about nothingness and innocence, I’d like to shatter any innocence you have left, and talk about your holes.  Yep, this is, and I’m not talking about donuts.  I’m talking about the holes that, if we’re lucky, all humans have.  Here’s what you’d look like without any–kind of like a really drab superhero:

Below is a list of the holes we all share.  Let’s not be embarrassed about them.  They are holes that serve our survival, unlike your appendix.  No one gets embarrassed when you talk about the appendix, but I think even God is a little perplexed about why he threw that one in there. If you want to get embarrassed about your body, I vote for appendix.  Here’s a list of holes and I hope your innocence is not completely shattered.

Your holes: Mouth, Eyes, nose, anus, nipples, uretha, sweat glands, ears, vagina, navel.

Was that so bad?

Our friend and brother John recently had 18″ of colon removed, and this was because his poop was a color that might be described as magenta or dark purplish red.  The importance of holes becomes amazingly clear when the doctor informs you that you might not have one anymore unless he gets you on the operating table pronto.  It is of great importance that everyone embrace all of their holes, because what comes out—and goes in—can be the most important.  The innocence, or ignorance of what goes in and out of your holes can really make the difference between life and death.

So take a look into that big porcelain hole before you flush. 

This subject matter and art has been taken directly out of my book (written and drawn with my partner Joe Mielke) and we’re happy to say we just landed a distribution deal with Last Gasp Publishing and Distribution in San Francisco.  Joe is doing a book signing in Murphys over Thanksgiving week, so if you’re in Northern CA, check out Sustenance Bookstore there.

Remember to thank your body for having holes.  Sometimes nothing really is important.

PS-In the wake of the Penn State Sex Scandal, check “Men are Bastards”.

Hey Gerry, you're a giant hole!


About bestbathroombooks

I run a small publishing company and am presently seeking the funniest, coolest and most marketable ideas to sell in places like Urban Outfitters, Papyrus, college bookstores and independent bookstores in the Humor Sections. Contact me through this blog or better at There are some talented people out there writing good, funny, conceptual books and blogging some funny stuff. I wish I had time to read more and write more. I have a day gig and do a lot of other things, but blogging helps me stay connected to my laptop and ensures sterility (due to EMF on my testicles) which is great because I've had enough kids. Les
This entry was posted in Kinda Funny and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

18 Responses to You’re Not Whole without your Holes

  1. speaker7 says:

    Congrats on the distribution deal! I don’t know what that actually means but I know distribution means to give out something so I imagine it’s good…like holes.
    And Jerry Sandusky is a giant a-hole.

    • Oh yeah. He’s such a dick. I know you’re being funny, but we’re just jazzed we have someone out there hawking the book for us, along with their own and others from other publishers. Joe and I went to a Book Convention in Oakland (Holy Teargas!) and met Renessa. The rest is history. Do you know any good ball tattooists?

  2. John Erickson says:

    Congratulations on your pending distribution!
    Farrah Fawcett, a lady I have always loved and followed, died of cancer on one of your so-called holes. While remarkable in going public with her disease, she was even more incredible and went public with her attempts to fight it, which ultimately proved unsuccessful. Such a loss, but such a great message.
    Thanks for posting this!

  3. Thanks John! We’ve already donated to Colon Cancer Research and give a portion of all book profits to the cause. See, I’m not as big of an A-hole as people think.

  4. Elyse says:

    Hey Les, Congrats! And I donated my large intestine to Johns Hopkins in 1982 — so I am loaded with poop jokes. Let me know when you need a backup!

  5. Wow! I think you’re the one that deserves congrats! Bring on the poop jokes.

    • Elyse says:

      “arge intestines are over-rated!

      I’ve actually been working a post on poop for a month or so. Poop jokes, I think, need to be deposited in the right receptacle for them to work properly. I always felt fortunate to have an illness that has a funny side (because the down side is, well, shitty).

      I will feel free to be totally crass in my comments on your blog from now on!

  6. joem18b says:

    are you including tear ducts as part of the eye holes?

    my wife had a pain one night and a couple of hours later she was short a section of her colon. it had got kinked and they just took it right out.

  7. Angie Z. says:

    1.) Congratulations, Les – that’s great news!
    2.) I always forget about a few of those orifices, so I appreciate the refresher. Which one do you put an enema in, I always forget?
    3.) Speaking of Sandusky and a-holes, I hope a few of his fellow inmates find their way around his.
    4.) I forgot about how much you like poop stuff. I hope you’ve read my post on when I ate my diaper contents. A must read for bathroom aficionados.
    5.) And another congrats!

    • Angie,
      The misnomer is that I enjoy poop (although not as much as you it seems), and “Best Bathroom Books” infers that. The publishing company is focused on humor and entertainment, and sometimes it involves bodily functions. Our next book is on phobias!
      Thanks for the congrats, and I will definitely read your blog on Diaper Delicacies.

  8. rantonit says:

    Congratulations!! 😀

  9. afrankangle says:

    Congratulations on the deal! Oh my … don’t forget the sinuses with all the holes they provide in our head!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s