It’s always fun to write about nothing. The void is as valuable as the other stuff, meaning that the blank page has certain qualities that we should all learn to appreciate, like the spaces between words. Music’s only as fine as the silence it’s compared to. Babies are born with nothing in their heads and everyone coos and kisses them and projects saintly thoughts on them, because they don’t know Jack Shit about life and those little bundles of joy smell pretty damn good before they meet Mr. Shit.
Innocence is considered to be of the ultimate value, and people mourn innocence lost. But innocence is just more of the blankness, the void. It eventually gets lost, or more accurately, a bunch of other junk gets found and stuffed into our heads like a three-car garage you can’t even fit your Vespa in.
Having rambled on about nothingness and innocence, I’d like to shatter any innocence you have left, and talk about your holes. Yep, this is www.bestbathroombooks.com, and I’m not talking about donuts. I’m talking about the holes that, if we’re lucky, all humans have. Here’s what you’d look like without any–kind of like a really drab superhero:
Below is a list of the holes we all share. Let’s not be embarrassed about them. They are holes that serve our survival, unlike your appendix. No one gets embarrassed when you talk about the appendix, but I think even God is a little perplexed about why he threw that one in there. If you want to get embarrassed about your body, I vote for appendix. Here’s a list of holes and I hope your innocence is not completely shattered.
Your holes: Mouth, Eyes, nose, anus, nipples, uretha, sweat glands, ears, vagina, navel.
Was that so bad?
Our friend and brother John recently had 18″ of colon removed, and this was because his poop was a color that might be described as magenta or dark purplish red. The importance of holes becomes amazingly clear when the doctor informs you that you might not have one anymore unless he gets you on the operating table pronto. It is of great importance that everyone embrace all of their holes, because what comes out—and goes in—can be the most important. The innocence, or ignorance of what goes in and out of your holes can really make the difference between life and death.
So take a look into that big porcelain hole before you flush.
This subject matter and art has been taken directly out of my book (written and drawn with my partner Joe Mielke) and we’re happy to say we just landed a distribution deal with Last Gasp Publishing and Distribution in San Francisco. Joe is doing a book signing in Murphys over Thanksgiving week, so if you’re in Northern CA, check out Sustenance Bookstore there.
Remember to thank your body for having holes. Sometimes nothing really is important.
PS-In the wake of the Penn State Sex Scandal, check “Men are Bastards”.