Hand Jobs to Americans

 

I’m no economic genius, but I think I have a solution to the problem of unemployment in America.  It has a lot to do with Baby Boomers handing over their jobs to the unemployed and less fortunate.  If they would hand jobs to those without jobs, I think many people would feel relieved and less stressed.

Let me explain.

Many Baby Boomers (old dried up people who should be retired) are hanging onto their jobs for a variety of selfish reasons like:

1)      They are good at what they do

2)       etc.

By keeping these jobs way longer than they should, many younger people are forced to travel around the world and live lives of relative leisure while complaining that there are no jobs.

So, if we Baby Boomers could hand our jobs to them, it would solve many problems.

This is an idea Newt Gingrich will be talking about soon, after he makes his pitch to start a colony of donut shops in a giant space wheel shaped like his favorite donut, the Jelly Newton.

Now, if it’s okay with you, I’d like to change the subject completely to something I think would benefit the world even more than having Boomers Hand Jobs to Americans.

Here it is, plain and simple:

Men like to be touched.

It’s almost like a Zen saying in that it is so simple, it’s almost impossible to comprehend.

But it’s true.

Men like to be touched.  And they like to be touched in any kind of tender yet firm and affectionate way.  It doesn’t have to be (technically) sexual. 

Men are very easygoing and not that picky.

So if you have a man in your life, take my word for it, he likes to be touched in any way that might relieve the stress in his life.  I can think of a hundred reasons why this would be a good idea.  Here are a few:

1)      Stressful day at work

2)      Neck pain where he doesn’t need his neck rubbed

3)      Etc.

I would like to point out that there are some instances where you have to be careful touching a man in a firm yet affectionate way.  Here are some pointers to help you women (and gay men) understand exactly what I’m talking about.

This beautiful woman doesn’t have any hands which makes it difficult to use your hands.  And that’s okay.  There are plenty of men who would be happy just to have a nice set of feet touch them.  Personally, I’m with Team Hands myself, but who am I to judge?

 

This lady has gone a little too long without the nail clippers, and while there might be some men out there who are good with this, I’d recommend not getting affection from this lady.  (She is kind of sexy though, in an I-haven’t-wiped-my-own-ass-for-fifteen-years way).

 

 

These are not super-affectionate claws

This is a honeybadger.  I would definitely recommend against getting any love from this honeybadger.  I mean, it isn’t even funny (much like this post) to think what would happen if this honeybadger got affectionate with the part of a man I am not actually mentioning in this post because it started with my idea to Hand Jobs to Americans.

In 1961, Lenny Bruce got thrown in jail for indecency in our little town of San Francisco. 

 

One of his jokes went like this:

Ladies, just touch it please.  Okay?  Just touch it.  Is that too much to ask?

Of course, looking at this disgusting language helps us understand that America has come long way.  We can now say these things.  Religious people were upset back then, but they know better now.  They realize now that God wants women to touch men in a firm yet affectionate way, which is why it says this in the bible:

Beat your swords into plowshares.

I think we all know what God is saying here.

In conclusion I wanted to say something that would give this post a happy ending, but I can’t really think of anything.  So I will just say that the human touch can be extremely healing and sometimes makes you want to scream out loud and get a cramp in your leg.

Men may turn to drastic measures if not touched affectionately

 
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About bestbathroombooks

I run a small publishing company and am presently seeking the funniest, coolest and most marketable ideas to sell in places like Urban Outfitters, Papyrus, college bookstores and independent bookstores in the Humor Sections. Contact me through this blog or better at www.bestbathroombooks.com. There are some talented people out there writing good, funny, conceptual books and blogging some funny stuff. I wish I had time to read more and write more. I have a day gig and do a lot of other things, but blogging helps me stay connected to my laptop and ensures sterility (due to EMF on my testicles) which is great because I've had enough kids. Les
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6 Responses to Hand Jobs to Americans

  1. joe mielke says:

    Archie can beat off three guys, carry Betty and walk on water. He may be the god we’re looking for.

  2. speaker7 says:

    Hand Jobs to Americans has the making of a national movement..like Hand Jobs Across America.

  3. I was gonna go for HJs across America! I don’t know why, but I settled on “to”. Such are the decisions of people with very important things not to write.

  4. aFrankAngle says:

    Finally, someone who has a sensible answer to Speaker Boehner’s “Where’s the jobs?” question. And to think we didn’t plan doing jobs posts. Great stuff Les.

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