I’ve been pretty excited lately to see Newt Gingrich once again on the World Stage. I like Newt Gingrich like a hungry bear likes lost kids eating donuts. The reason I like Newt Gingrich so much is because he is so much smarter than me (and you) and knows everything. Newt Gingrich can answer any question about anything better than you. And when he answers the question, you will not only feel like the useless piece of shit you are, but you will wish with all your heart and soul that you never asked the question in the first place.
Even though I’m not even half as smart as Newt Gingrich (he would probably come up with a much more accurate fraction) I figure I can learn something from him, so I’ve observed his debating techniques by watching Youtube and seeing him be way smarter than me (and you and everyone else you know from now until you die). Below is the list of things I learned. I hope this helps you in all your relationships, because there is no better way to talk to another human being than the way Newt Gingrich talks to people.
1) Always use a condescending tone. This makes the other person feel like the useless piece of shit they are, because they are not Newt Gingrich.
2) Condescendingly critique the question posed to you—Newt Gingrich—as unimportant minutia.
3) Invoke the name of Ronald Reagan as often as you can. Everyone loves the loveable Gipper, and no one remembers anything bad ever happening when he was president.
4) Use the word “dumb” whenever describing anything the government has ever done, unless you—Newt Gingrich—were the one who was doing it. Then say what the government should have done instead, which is what you—Newt Gingrich—would have done.
5) Use the word “patently” before the words false or wrong. “Patently” is a smarter word than clearly or plainly. Newt Gingrich says “That’s patently false”, which is way smarter than anything you would ever say. Also say, “The fact of the matter is…”.
6) Use the phrase “Let me repeat what I just said because it’s so profound.” This will make all the other people in the room listen again, because the first time you—Newt Gingrich—said it, they (the other morons and me) were too stupid to hear it.
7) Condescendingly inform the questioner that he/she has asked the wrong question and then reframe the question like a smart person–Newt Gingrich–would ask it. Then answer your (Newt Gingrich’s) question with a Newt Gingrich answer, which will perfectly answer the question you (Newt Gingrich) asked yourself.
8) Repeatedly suggest that you and Barack Obama engage in 7 Three hour “Lincoln-Douglas Debates”. This will give you—Newt Gingrich—a chance to talk to the American People for 10.5 hours, ensuring that you—Newt Gingrich—prove that you are smarter than Barack Obama and everyone else that ever lived from now going back to Adam and Eve and up until the end of the Big Bang.
9) Wear a smirk on your face at all times because you—Newt Gingrich—are laughing inside, because all the other people (including me and everyone else in the world) are so fu*king stupid.
10) Continue to hammer the point that “Personal Responsibility” is the cornerstone of being a true American, and then secretly keep eating all those donuts.