Newt Gingrich Master(de)bator

Why are you so Fu*king Stupid?

I’ve been pretty excited lately to see Newt Gingrich once again on the World Stage.  I like Newt Gingrich like a hungry bear likes lost kids eating donuts.  The reason I like Newt Gingrich so much is because he is so much smarter than me (and you) and knows everything.  Newt Gingrich can answer any question about anything better than you.  And when he answers the question, you will not only feel like the useless piece of shit you are, but you will wish with all your heart and soul that you never asked the question in the first place.

Even though I’m not even half as smart as Newt Gingrich (he would probably come up with a much more accurate fraction) I figure I can learn something from him, so I’ve observed his debating techniques by watching Youtube and seeing him be way smarter than me (and you and everyone else you know from now until you die).  Below is the list of things I learned.  I hope this helps you in all your relationships, because there is no better way to talk to another human being than the way Newt Gingrich talks to people.

1)      Always use a condescending tone.  This makes the other person feel like the useless piece of shit they are, because they are not Newt Gingrich.

2)      Condescendingly critique the question posed to you—Newt Gingrich—as unimportant minutia.

3)      Invoke the name of Ronald Reagan as often as you can.  Everyone loves the loveable Gipper, and no one remembers anything bad ever happening when he was president.

4)      Use the word “dumb” whenever describing anything the government has ever done, unless you—Newt Gingrich—were the one who was doing it.  Then say what the government should have done instead, which is what you—Newt Gingrich—would have done.

5)      Use the word “patently” before the words false or wrong.  “Patently” is a smarter word than clearly or plainlyNewt Gingrich says “That’s patently false”, which is way smarter than anything you would ever say.  Also say, “The fact of the matter is…”.

6)      Use the phrase “Let me repeat what I just said because it’s so profound.”  This will make all the other people in the room listen again, because the first time you—Newt Gingrich—said it, they (the other morons and me) were too stupid to hear it.

7)      Condescendingly inform the questioner that he/she has asked the wrong question and then reframe the question like a smart person–Newt Gingrich–would ask it.  Then answer your (Newt Gingrich’s) question with a Newt Gingrich answer, which will perfectly answer the question you (Newt Gingrich) asked yourself.

8)      Repeatedly suggest that you and Barack Obama engage in 7 Three hour “Lincoln-Douglas Debates”.  This will give you—Newt Gingrich—a chance to talk to the American People for 10.5 hours, ensuring that you—Newt Gingrich—prove that you are smarter than Barack Obama and everyone else that ever lived from now going back to Adam and Eve and up until the end of the Big Bang.

9)      Wear a smirk on your face at all times because you—Newt Gingrich—are laughing inside, because all the other people (including me and everyone else in the world) are so fu*king stupid.

10)   Continue to hammer the point that “Personal Responsibility” is the cornerstone of being a true American, and then secretly keep eating all those donuts.

Newt's Brain Food

About bestbathroombooks

I run a small publishing company and am presently seeking the funniest, coolest and most marketable ideas to sell in places like Urban Outfitters, Papyrus, college bookstores and independent bookstores in the Humor Sections. Contact me through this blog or better at There are some talented people out there writing good, funny, conceptual books and blogging some funny stuff. I wish I had time to read more and write more. I have a day gig and do a lot of other things, but blogging helps me stay connected to my laptop and ensures sterility (due to EMF on my testicles) which is great because I've had enough kids. Les
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19 Responses to Newt Gingrich Master(de)bator

  1. joem18b says:

    You ever been talking to somebody and you suddenly realize that, although you’re only about halfway through what you want to say, they’re already gently shaking their head “no”? I wonder if Newt does that? I’ll bet that he does.

    In the end though, no matter what else, he’s still named “Newt.”

  2. speaker7 says:

    He is also a paragon (is that the right word? I better ask Newt) of family values. I like when he was screaming about Clinton’s affair with Lewinsky and how he should be impeached all the while Newt was banging a congressional staffer.

  3. Elyse says:

    Ooh, you forgot that he is the most COMPASSIONATE of men, which we know by the fact that he dumped his first wife while she was in the hospital undergoing cancer treatment. Or was that how he dumped his second wife (the one he dumped #1 for)? Gosh, it’s hard to keep these family values straight.

  4. He has so many virtues, I couldn’t list them all!

  5. Angie Z. says:

    Hilarious post title! I just learned a fantastic new arguing tactic through looking at that clip. When I know I am just about ready to kick the sh*t out of a person with my brilliance, I will start fluttering my eyelids to “bring it home,” so to speak.

    Oh please, please, please let this be the GOP candidate. Please let him be their guy. I would love to see Newt in a rolled up denim shirt at a fish fry trying to talk to Joe Six-Pack about NASCAR. It’d bring tears to my eyes.

  6. Pingback: I’ve Come to the Conclusion that I Hate Myself | ramblingsandrumblings

  7. Angie Z. says:

    Speaking of dickweeds like Newt…do you take blog topic input? If so, please consider writing something on Michelle and Jill getting booed by NASCAR fans. Pretty please? There’s got to be comic gold in there somewhere, and I’m certain you’re the one who can find it.

  8. afrankangle says:

    Wow … Outstanding advise …. Much better than the book How to Win Friends and Influence People. Meanwhile, in terms of Newt, I yield to another great American orator.

    Les – Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

  9. UTMB says:

    Excellent. You’ve accurately captured how Newtliness is next to Godliness. You might enjoy Conan’s ‘fast facts’ on Newt:

  10. Thanks UTMB.
    PS Anybody reading this comment, go to UTMB blog!

  11. itchemeyer says:

    Actually, a few years back, Newt was getting mugged, and his brain just reached over and bitch slapped the guy into a headlock. Pow. You probably can’t even do that with your hands. Slap to neck hold? It’s impossible, right? Wrong.

  12. Mandy Bably says:

    Keep up the good work!

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