I can’t believe it! I just won the Glitter E. Yaynus Award! Bill from gofu*kyourself nominated me and I’m just thrilled!
If you’re not familiar with this award, it’s an award (according to Bill) given to people who have, through their constant blogging about themselves and what great people they are and how clever they are and how good their recipes are and how funny their memories and how goodly they can put sentences together —how that person (me) has shown the world just how bad the internet can be. I think by “bad” Bill means good, just like when Michael Jackson sings “bad” in his song “Bad”.
If you are a little confused, it’s just because you’re not as hip as some of us who blog about ourselves all the time.
Anyway, here are the rules for the Glitter E. Yaynus Award:
First: Tell people at least five things you do that would make them want to kill you, or at the very least, make them hate you for the rest of their lives. I’m new to this kind of thing, but here goes:
1) When I’m driving, and two cars are in the next lane over almost bumper to bumper, I squeeze in between them without using my blinker.
2) I like to strike up conversations about politics with people I don’t know. Sometimes I’ll talk about religion. I really don’t know anything about either subject but I do have very strong opinions.
3) I conversate things like my hemorrhoids or maybe my prostate health, and go into detail if there are any surgeries I’ve had recently that involve lots of blood, feces, phlegm or urine.
4) I talk to overweight and out-of-shape strangers about what they are eating right now—I mean, while they are taking a bite of it–and tell them that it is unhealthy and they will probably die soon from eating like that.
5) I tell all the younger people that they need to live life and get off that cell phone. Also, the laptop can be addictive and just staring at a screen all the time will make you dumber than you already are (they are usually pretty dumb so maybe the damage has already been done).
The next thing you have to do, according to Bill, is this:
Blindfold yourself and walk out into traffic on the freeway. I thought this was an odd rule, but Bill said “No, really. Blindfold yourself and walk out into traffic”.
Not wanting to seem unappreciative of the Glitter E. Yaynus Award (I still can’t believe I won it!), I blindfolded myself and walked out onto the freeway. I was lucky, because I was also barefoot, and those traffic bumps seemed like the best place to stand. I could feel the cars and eighteen wheelers whizzing by and people shouting “Fu*k you, A**hole!” who are obviously young (and probably texting) unaware that I write an award-winning blog.
Next, I am supposed to pick out five things that I would stick up my ass if I was forced to. I think Bill might be obsessed with the number five, because he keeps holding up his fist saying, “Stick this up your ass.”
SO, here goes on the five things I would stick up my ass if I absolutely had to:
1) Marshmallows (not stale ones though)
2) Pretzels (but only yogurt pretzels)
3) Fruit cocktail (not in the can, Silly People! Out of the can)
4) Gummy bears ( I do not like the really sour ones or ones with sugar on them—very unhealthy)
5) David Beckham
I am also supposed to pick out five bloggers who I feel are the most likely to actually be agoraphobics or have been diagnosed as clinically depressed, or are most likely on Death Row. This is probably the hardest part, because I don’t want to leave anybody out. There are so many good bloggers out there—and I can just see them shaking their heads, saying “No, please, please don’t give me the Glitter E. Yaynus Award.”
But I’m going to anyway–because this award is the very bestest award on the internet, according to Bill, who told me not to mention him or his blogsite or ever talk to him again, ever, and I think it’s because he doesn’t want to steal the spotlight. Bill is probably the best guy I’ve ever met on the internet. I guess you could say all my real friends are on the internet.
So here goes, the people I think are so incredibly unstable that you would probably want to take them home and put them in a cage made of the same stuff they used in Silence of the Lambs. But since you can’t, you can read their blogs. I read their blogs (or want to but I’m busy blogging about myself), and as you can see, it has made me a Glitter E. Yanus.
Ramblingsandrumblings-This girl is crazy funny, and proves that women are funny and extremely sexy at the same time even when angrily talking about turds. Her anger is the best part of her blog posts, along with the fact that she is fascinated with Donald Trump’s hair and is on Death Row*.
Childhood Relived-Angie is good friends with Ramblingsandrumblings. I think they may have shared a jail cell together at one time. She is sweet and actually remembers funny things from her past, which means she probably didn’t do that many harsh drugs. She killed someone by being adorable, so now she’s on Death Row*.
H.E. Ellis-There is some confusion about the sex of this blogger, no one is really sure, but she has written a book I will be reviewing soon. She is a giant presence in the blogosphere, and has ruined many cars in her life, some while having digital sex. She’s usually armed and dangerous, but that just means she’s behind the wheel. She is presently on Death Row*.
A Frank Angle-This guy is very smart, a dancer, a romancer and clever. I think he is on the drug the guy in Limitless takes. He’s got a ton of followers because he’s smart and his blog seems to be legal. That’s why I can’t figure out why, but he’s on Death Row*.
Edward Hotspur-This guy is definitely on some sort of drug that allows him to write approximately 67 blogs per hour, all of them good. His comments are better than my entire blogs. I think he is on Death Row* for something involving Ronald McDonald.
Sexuallifeofawife-You will never guess what this girl from UK writes about. You guessed it, Agriculture in America. She is very sweet and has what people in the porn business call a normal sex life. She is a bottle of sexual energy which can be lethal and may explain why she is on Death Row*.
Gillian Colbert-This girl has a cool blog, one that talks very intelligently about sex and stuff—not creepy, actually quite cool. She also has four books–good writing and pretty impressive. You can read her stuff and not feel like a pervert, unlike the guy next to her in her jail cell on Death Row*.
Clarissablogs-This girl is very intense, like a microwave that got stuck on high and is emitting brainwaves more intense than a microwave stuck on high. She writes an incredible amount of blogs a month, knows a bunch of languages and is a professor. She was arrested for stealing a microwave that emits brainwaves and presently cooks for the inmates on Death Row*.
Talker 96’s Page of Awesome-Do you have two minutes? This guy does Onion-type reports better than the Onion. The Onion steals stuff from him, and then he gets upset and goes apesh*t and you don’t want to be around when Talker 96 goes apesh*t, because the guy is really dangerous. That’s why he’s on Death Row*.
adamsdaughter-this twenty-something girl is my daughter’s age and totally entertaining. She writes about dating, cooking, vajazzing, the Superbowl–but not much about serial killing. She’s on Death Row* simply for watching Dexter.
Note: Death Row is a Record Company. I guess these people are also pretty good rappers.
Check these blogs out if you can. I guarantee you you will find something you like. If not, please remember I am agoraphobic and clinically depressed. But looking on the bright side, I’m on the other side of the glass if you know what I mean.
And now, an Original Music Video from the Author!