Because Thanksgiving is about as far away from porn as I can possibly get on Thanksgiving, I’d like to talk about porn–and the word facial.
When a woman states that she is going to a spa to get a massage and facial, I immediately think of a money shot, or, for the uninitiated, a Cinnabon right as they are dripping the sticky sweet icing on it (please replace the appropriate body parts etc. for this metaphor, it’s fu*king Thanksgiving, for the love of the Good Lord). This is a mental connection I’ve always wanted to shake, but ever since I unwittingly witnessed a facial in the biblical sense (Ok, maybe that wasn’t the bible), I cannot hear the word without thinking these thoughts.
How do I get this out of my head and eat my turkey? Aunt Gladys keeps talking about the last time she had a facial and how her face just radiates after Gordon, her masseuse, gives it to her.
“My skin just glows for days,” she beams.
Pass the gravy.
“That’s a really nice pearl necklace, Gladys,” Uncle Mort compliments, winking at me. I look at the miniature onions on my plate, and I think I see the face of John Holmes in my mashed potatoes.
“I don’t like facials,” my wife announces, and now I start to feel uncomfortable, as if everyone at the table is judging our sex lives and thinking I traumatized her somehow early in the marriage with irresponsible swordplay.
“Can I go watch football?” I say, excusing myself to eat some pumpkin pie. I don’t really watch football that much, though the Niners are doing okay I guess. They’re playing the Baltimore Ravens today. On their roster the Ravens have a player designated as the “Long Snapper”. His name is Morgan Cox.
“What if our last name was Cox?” my son asks.
“Then I most certainly would not have named you Harden,” I answer.
“Dad,” he asks, looking down on me slightly, because he’s 6’3” and I’m only 6’1”, “why doesn’t Mom like facials?”
She ducks her head into the TV room.
“Do you want me to pick up some Cinnabons for breakfast?”
“Yes,” I say, “but only if we can get them with extra icing.”
Note: This blog is dedicated to Jon Savell