Solving the Gun Control Problem in Five Easy Steps

We in America make everything WAY too complicated.  Here at Bestbathroombooks we solve almost any problem in minutes.  Here’s the Gun Control Problem solved.  You can thank us later when you’re still alive.

Ted Nugent's gun control starts in his crotch

Ted Nugent’s Gun Control begins in his pants

Number one: Identify the smallest penises.  These are the men who have spectacular fantasies of saving everyone with their guns.  The painfully obvious phallic symbolism of gun worship balances their lack of endowment and helps to soothe their psyches and tiny boners.  These are the people who believe the government is dangerous, ineffective and the absolute enemy.  Even though they believe the government is laughably inept and inefficient, they conversely believe the government is so adept and efficient it will storm their bunkers and remove all three million of their guns.

Solution: Free penis enlargement and more guns

Save the world? Sure, just give me a minute.

Save the world? Sure, just give me a minute.

Number two: Identify the narcissists.  These are all the people who believe—in the micro-sliver  of time that represents their lifetime in human history—that the zombie apocalypse/race war/end of days is going to coincide with the exact moment of their spectacularly important lives.  Never before have all the elements of history pointed to you—the most important person on earth.  Only you can save the world.

Solution: Free Mayan Calendar and more guns

Conspiracy Theory

Also, they want to control our bowels

Number three: Identify Conspiracy Theorists:  These are the people who believe that guns are going to be outlawed because the government—who is inept and believes we are all fools!– wants to control us, and what better way to control us than to take our guns away?  In case you’re wondering, the reason they want to control us is because it’s way easier to control 300 million individuals individually than to have a democracy.  By the way, once the government controls us, it will make us watch TV, eat junk food and waste lots of time remembering the past, when things were so much better than they are now, with the government controlling us and stuff.

Solution:  Electric nipple clips and more guns

Crazy Person

Crazy people can look like you and you

Number Four: Identify all the Mentally Ill: These are the people who get guns and shoot everybody.  These are the people whose fault it is that guns are getting blamed, when it’s not the guns, but the crazy-ass people.  While everyone else should have enough guns to fend off a government who wants to control us, the crazy people need MENTAL HEALTH HELP, something that the inept, inefficient government should supply.  Anyone who owns a cache of guns can tell you that if the government, which is inept and inefficient, would fund lots of programs to treat crazy people, then they too could be responsible gun owners and only kill the right people.

Solution: Mental Health Help and more guns

Backwards Person

Look at me when I’m talking to you Young Man

Number Five: Identify the People from Backwardland:  These are the people who wear their clothes backward, walk and talk backward and believe the way to solve a problem is to add more of the problem to the existing problem to solve it.  If your dog has fleas, go out and get more fleas and put them on the dog.  If your house is on fire, throw gasoline on the fire to make more fire.  And if you are overweight (hopefully morbidly obese) the best way to solve this problem is to eat way more food.  If you hate the government and think it’s going to attack you, then use all the government’s offerings, including their roads and bridges and government services and protections, but prepare to kill the government because if you don’t, they will come kill you, but you will have a gun, so, at least for a little while, you will fight them off, and they will eventually kill you anyway, because how could they pry your cold dead fingers from your gun if your fingers weren’t cold and dead?  Unless, because you’re in Backwardland, you put your fingers in ice and then fire the gun at yourself (which is backward, but not in Backwardland!)

Solution: Buy a gun and fire it backward

About bestbathroombooks

I run a small publishing company and am presently seeking the funniest, coolest and most marketable ideas to sell in places like Urban Outfitters, Papyrus, college bookstores and independent bookstores in the Humor Sections. Contact me through this blog or better at There are some talented people out there writing good, funny, conceptual books and blogging some funny stuff. I wish I had time to read more and write more. I have a day gig and do a lot of other things, but blogging helps me stay connected to my laptop and ensures sterility (due to EMF on my testicles) which is great because I've had enough kids. Les
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22 Responses to Solving the Gun Control Problem in Five Easy Steps

  1. El Guapo says:

    I pick number 5.
    Great to see you, Les!

  2. aFrankAngle says:

    Believe it or not, I was thinking about you today, and here you are! What a way to start my new year! 🙂

    You certainly have identified significant population segments for the gun control discussion. Given the topic, here’s something I recently posted about the reasons for the Newtown shooting and suggested solutions. (I’m confident there will be items in the lists you will enjoy.)

    Good to see you again, and Happy New Year to you and yours … and don’t forget to go to Capp’s Corner.

    • Oh Yeah, Frank. I already read your post. Just because I don’t comment, don’t think I’m not reading! It’s such a heartbreaking situation–it’s a genie that can’t be put back in the bottle and there are too many psychological hot-buttons that make it a really difficult conversation. Guns are here to stay, just like nuclear bombs. Napalm and Silly Putty-George Carlin’s book discussing the range of our inventions. It’s a happy/sad world. I hope we all live through it. Happy New Year to you too!

      Les Bloch Bloch/Mielke Publishing

  3. I say round up all five groups, and ship them off to somewhere they can’t do much damage – say, the middle of the Sahara. Then, collect up all their guns. Sell off the historical weapons, slag the AK/M-16 clones, and call it even. Program pays for itself, and you get rid of 90% of the loose screws that will screw it up for us sane folk with World War 1 bolt-action rifles. 😀
    Nice to see you back again!

  4. lwk2431 says:

    I see why you use a toilet plunger in the header to your blog. It is appropriate.

    • Really? That’s the best you can do? Okay. Well, your welcome.

      • lwk2431 says:

        It was all I was interested in doing. Humor in place of reasoned argument is just not that attractive to me.

        Never Let A Dead Kid Go To Waste

      • “It was all I was interested in doing” must refer to “solving the gun control problem”. So what you’re saying is that you clicked on this post and didn’t get what you wanted–a reasoned argument. A) You’ve never been burned by a search engine before? B) You don’t have a sense of humor? C) Your “reasoned argument” is to run away with your guns? Thanks for the input. I hope your blog doesn’t misrepresent itself with that title. I don’t have to worry about it being funny.

      • lwk2431 says:

        > “It was all I was interested in doing” must
        > refer to “solving the gun control problem”.

        Originally referred to commenting on your post.

        > B) You don’t have a sense of humor?

        I like humor that is genuinely funny without being mean spirited and destructive just because you can – kind of like the guys that beat up on other kids, cause they like to.

        > C) Your “reasoned argument” is to run
        > away with your guns?

        I make a lot of reasoned arguments on my blog. I just didn’t see you are being particularly susceptible to reason, like a lot of young people who’s idea of reasoning was cultured on Comedy Central.


  5. I love this! I noticed the small penis connection years ago when I encountered my first gun fanatic.

  6. Angie Z. says:

    I’m not kidding that I really missed you when the gun control debate took fire last month and I was feeling so much rage that I needed someone to talk me off the ledge with a post on tiny penises. I kept thinking, what would Les say? WWLS will be printed on bumper stickers from here on out. Who knows, a WWLS bumper sticker just might spruce up those old Ford pick-ups with the gun racks, Calvin peeing on a Chevy symbol and low-hanging testicles.

    • Hey Ang. What Les Would Do is not write very many blog posts. I admire all of you who have the stamina and talent to write every day/week/month. Nice to here from you. I still read your great stuff, along with S7, Frank, etc. but don’t comment to keep the stress level down. I am working on two things, one under the BBB banner and another, hopefully more literary pursuit. I think you’re on to something with the low hanging truck balls. They may singularly (or is it dually?) capture the essence of the gun control debate. The “when they pry blah blah from my cold dead fingers” and “the evil government is coming blah blah blah” needs to be addressed–a couple of many tired, paranoid and narcissistic arguments that are as wrinkled as a pair of truck testes.

      Les Bloch Bloch/Mielke Publishing

  7. so, has gun control made its way since this post? ahaha. oh, sure it has gone uncontrolled, but hey, that’s no news… 😉 hello, bbb. hope things are swell… ~ San

  8. Hey 35. Nice to hear from you. It’s still the Wild Wild West out here in the USA. We have to figure something out before the next massacre. I’m working on a lot of new stuff and hope to get promoting it soon. Hope all is well with you!

    • hello, sir Les… loose guns have been making the headlines over here as well. a few months ago, gun control was also the subject of many newspaper columns. but it’s election time now, so, the talks have shifted to something else, hahaha. it’s summer and way too hot here. hope your writing and editing’s going way better than usual. cheerio! 🙂

  9. Thanks 35. Hope all is going well with your writing too. I just had a very serious piece about self-esteem and parenting air on National Public Radio here in SF.
    I am writing a lot, playing with my band (going into the studio to record soon) and working on two books, (one a novel) besides the funny FAKE STUFF book. Keep writing!

  10. I like number 2, anything to do with Zombies, works for me. BTW, I was referred to your site by Frank Angle.

  11. Thanks Catherine. Frank’s a prolific genius and I can’t keep up with his uber-blogging. Zombies are a really good excuse for letting people own bazookas. Zombies are a really good excuse for gun nuts. If only zombies and sensible gun control were real. Thanks for the comment.

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