Solving the Gun Control Problem in Five Easy Steps

We in America make everything WAY too complicated.  Here at Bestbathroombooks we solve almost any problem in minutes.  Here’s the Gun Control Problem solved.  You can thank us later when you’re still alive.

Ted Nugent’s Gun Control begins in his pants

Number one: Identify the smallest penises.  These are the men who have spectacular fantasies of saving everyone with their guns.  The painfully obvious phallic symbolism of gun worship balances their lack of endowment and helps to soothe their psyches and tiny boners.  These are the people who believe the government is dangerous, ineffective and the absolute enemy.  Even though they believe the government is laughably inept and inefficient, they conversely believe the government is so adept and efficient it will storm their bunkers and remove all three million of their guns.

Solution: Free penis enlargement and more guns

Save the world? Sure, just give me a minute.

Number two: Identify the narcissists.  These are all the people who believe—in the micro-sliver  of time that represents their lifetime in human history—that the zombie apocalypse/race war/end of days is going to coincide with the exact moment of their spectacularly important lives.  Never before have all the elements of history pointed to you—the most important person on earth.  Only you can save the world.

Solution: Free Mayan Calendar and more guns

Also, they want to control our bowels

Number three: Identify Conspiracy Theorists:  These are the people who believe that guns are going to be outlawed because the government—who is inept and believes we are all fools!– wants to control us, and what better way to control us than to take our guns away?  In case you’re wondering, the reason they want to control us is because it’s way easier to control 300 million individuals individually than to have a democracy.  By the way, once the government controls us, it will make us watch TV, eat junk food and waste lots of time remembering the past, when things were so much better than they are now, with the government controlling us and stuff.

Solution:  Electric nipple clips and more guns

Crazy people can look like you and you

Number Four: Identify all the Mentally Ill: These are the people who get guns and shoot everybody.  These are the people whose fault it is that guns are getting blamed, when it’s not the guns, but the crazy-ass people.  While everyone else should have enough guns to fend off a government who wants to control us, the crazy people need MENTAL HEALTH HELP, something that the inept, inefficient government should supply.  Anyone who owns a cache of guns can tell you that if the government, which is inept and inefficient, would fund lots of programs to treat crazy people, then they too could be responsible gun owners and only kill the right people.

Solution: Mental Health Help and more guns

Look at me when I’m talking to you Young Man

Number Five: Identify the People from Backwardland:  These are the people who wear their clothes backward, walk and talk backward and believe the way to solve a problem is to add more of the problem to the existing problem to solve it.  If your dog has fleas, go out and get more fleas and put them on the dog.  If your house is on fire, throw gasoline on the fire to make more fire.  And if you are overweight (hopefully morbidly obese) the best way to solve this problem is to eat way more food.  If you hate the government and think it’s going to attack you, then use all the government’s offerings, including their roads and bridges and government services and protections, but prepare to kill the government because if you don’t, they will come kill you, but you will have a gun, so, at least for a little while, you will fight them off, and they will eventually kill you anyway, because how could they pry your cold dead fingers from your gun if your fingers weren’t cold and dead?  Unless, because you’re in Backwardland, you put your fingers in ice and then fire the gun at yourself (which is backward, but not in Backwardland!)

Solution: Buy a gun and fire it backward