What happens to people when they put on a Black Robe? All of a sudden they’re a pilot or a bartender or Dr. Laura.
I’ve had a problem with judges ever since I had to go to court for a traffic ticket and, after we all rose in his presence (what the fu#k is that all about, Your Majesty?) he started talking about baseball. Baseball. I’m trying to get out of running a stop sign, and the guy is going on and on about Orlando Cepeda, beaming at his captive audience like any of us give a shit.
Half an hour later he goes to lunch.
So I thought it would be fun to judge one of the most popular judges in the world, Mr. Simon Cowell. He’s so quick to judge others, so I’m sure he’ll enjoy this. I’ve got a diagram below to illustrate some of his visual flaws. I may have missed one or two, but that’s because I’m not perfect, now am I?
I thought it would be great to interview Mr. Cowell and wield some of the extraordinary power that comes with being a condescending Know-it-All A-hole. And with my Black Robe–just like Judge Judy– I can read minds and finish everyone else’s sentences. Once you know everything about everything, life is so much easier.
My Exclusive Interview with Simon Cowell:
“So Simon, why the Man Boobs?”
“I beg your..”
“Pardon? There’s no chance of that, Mr. Cowell. Who did your hair? GI Joe?”
“I get my hair cut in New York by Pierre…”
“It looks like you were running and fell headlong into a barrel of human feces. Do you know what XL means?”
“That would be the size of your teeshirt in the future, Mr. Cowell. Not Medium. Not Large. XL. Do you understand?”
“And you’re not gay?”
“No, I’m not. I..”
“I’m very disappointed. With your effeminate voice and flamboyant hand gestures you should be. If they’ll have you.”
“I’m sorry, but I’m….”
“…not a good listener? I agree. You’re tone deaf. Seriously, can you sing one fu#king note?”
“Well, no. But my job is…”
“I cannot dance. I tried..”
“Can you act?”
“Actually, I did do that funny kiss thing with Paula Ab…”
“Are you an aviator?”
“Then why are you always wearing Aviator glasses? Is there a reason?”
“I think they look smashing.”
“I agree. They do distract nicely from your sagging, hairy breasts. Are you crying?”
“And why is that?”
“Because you’ve shown kindness Sir. I never realized what a little kindness can do.”
“Yes, Simon. I’ve tried to show you that judging people is easy to do, but often makes the judged person feel like a Sack of Sh#t with Aviators and Sagging Man Boobs. Maybe all of us should take off the Black Robes and stop being so judgmental.”
“Is it lunchtime yet?”
“Of course it is, Simon. And then we’ll go get you something with an underwire.”