You know I love humans. But not everyone does. I have a friend whose (ex) wife is a vegan. She does not like people. To her, people are evil (except for other vegans). She likes animals, because they don’t kill people (except on “When Animals Attack”). But even those animals mean well, it’s just that humans have paid them to act crazy for TV–and humans just taste good (like chicken). I think we’re way smarter and better than animals. And (this may feel slightly uncomfortable so try to relax), I’m going to tell you why!
One of the reasons I love humans so much is because, even with all our amazing achievements (like SmartPhones), we’re not smart enough to keep from sticking those amazing achievements (like SmartPhones) up our collective ass. On a larger scale we do this by eating crappy, greasy processed food. By consistently consuming the perfect mixture of SmartFood sludge, we are literally “Sticking it up our own Asses” by way of tumors–courtesy of our wonderful technology. This takes a long time to achieve and can’t be done without real effort. Animals are so stupid, they could never figure this out. They can’t even consistently raid garbage cans.
Humans: 1 Animals: 0
Every few years, the American Medical Association tallies Emergency Room stats and comes out with a list of the most common items found in our rectal cavities. Because I love humans—and animals are not known for shoving things up their bungs—I celebrate this list as a testament to how great our species is. This celebration makes me feel better about myself, like someone reading the National Enquirer and acknowledging the douchessness of being Ashton Kutcher. The only difference is, the list of things people stick up their asses is from a reliable source.
Now I’m not saying all humans are great. But the ones that have to be rushed to the hospital because they “accidentally fell onto a large bottle of ketchup” are in a pretty special category of “Getting the Job Done” and “Separating us from the Animals by using Tools”.
So here’s this year’s list of the things extracted from people’s asses. It should be noted that this is not a complete list, because humans are constantly striving to stick even more advanced and oddly shaped objects up there asses (whereas stupid animals only lick and scoot on that area).
Cucumber and squash (I listed these together for obvious reasons)
Wine, soda and ketchup bottles
Campbell’s Soup (Flavor not specified but I’m guessing Cream of Mushroom)
Cell Phones (I think they mean SmartPhones-dumb doctors!)
Many of you that have consistently read this blog may think that I am a One Trick Pony, walking around in my daily life thinking only about poop and how awesome we humans are. If you mean that I am doggedly reporting on bodily functions and fixated on the more graphic permutations of the human body, guilty as charged. This is, after all, www.bestbathroombooks.com. But I categorically deny that I am a One Trick Pony (if by pony you mean male prostitute).
I think I’ve overwhelmingly proven that humans are way better than animals in so many ways, and, even after we are gone and only animals rule the earth, I hope they will remember we were better, back before we all got bowel obstructions and died.
The artwork above is from the amazing pen of Joe Mielke, my non-gay partner.
Check out One Trick Pony/The Wrestler by Bruce Springsteen