Things We Stick Up There

Xray with bottle

You know I love humans.  But not everyone does.  I have a friend whose (ex) wife is a vegan.  She does not like people.  To her, people are evil (except for other vegans).  She likes animals, because they don’t kill people (except on “When Animals Attack”).  But even those animals mean well, it’s just that humans have paid them to act crazy for TV–and humans just taste good (like chicken).  I think we’re way smarter and better than animals.  And (this may feel slightly uncomfortable so try to relax), I’m going to tell you why!

One of the reasons I love humans so much is because, even with all our amazing achievements (like SmartPhones), we’re not smart enough to keep from sticking those amazing achievements (like SmartPhones) up our collective ass.  On a larger scale we do this by eating crappy, greasy processed food.  By consistently consuming the perfect mixture of SmartFood sludge, we are literally “Sticking it up our own Asses” by way of tumors–courtesy of our wonderful technology.  This takes a long time to achieve and can’t be done without real effort.   Animals are so stupid, they could never figure this out.  They can’t even consistently raid garbage cans.

Humans: 1   Animals: 0

Every few years, the American Medical Association tallies Emergency Room stats and comes out with a list of the most common items found in our rectal cavities.  Because I love humans—and animals are not known for shoving things up their bungs—I celebrate this list as a testament to how great our species is.  This celebration makes me feel better about myself, like someone reading the National Enquirer and acknowledging the douchessness of being Ashton Kutcher.  The only difference is, the list of things people stick up their asses is from a reliable source.

Now I’m not saying all humans are great.  But the ones that have to be rushed to the hospital because they “accidentally fell onto a large bottle of ketchup” are in a pretty special category of “Getting the Job Done” and “Separating us from the Animals by using Tools”.

So here’s this year’s list of the things extracted from people’s asses.  It should be noted that this is not a complete list, because humans are constantly striving to stick even more advanced and oddly shaped objects up there asses (whereas stupid animals only lick and scoot on that area).

The List:


Light Bulbs

Cucumber and squash (I listed these together for obvious reasons)

Wine, soda and ketchup bottles

Campbell’s Soup (Flavor not specified but I’m guessing Cream of Mushroom)

Gold Fish


Cell Phones (I think they mean SmartPhones-dumb doctors!)

Golf Balls


D Batteries




Many of you that have consistently read this blog may think that I am a One Trick Pony, walking around in my daily life thinking only about poop and how awesome we humans are.  If you mean that I am doggedly reporting on bodily functions and fixated on the more graphic permutations of the human body, guilty as charged.  This is, after all,  But I categorically deny that I am a One Trick Pony (if by pony you mean male prostitute).

I think I’ve overwhelmingly  proven that humans are way better than animals in so many ways, and, even after we are gone and only animals rule the earth, I hope they will remember we were better, back before we all got bowel obstructions and died.

Stupid animals.

The artwork above is from the amazing pen of Joe Mielke, my non-gay partner.

Check out One Trick Pony/The Wrestler by Bruce Springsteen

About bestbathroombooks

I run a small publishing company and am presently seeking the funniest, coolest and most marketable ideas to sell in places like Urban Outfitters, Papyrus, college bookstores and independent bookstores in the Humor Sections. Contact me through this blog or better at There are some talented people out there writing good, funny, conceptual books and blogging some funny stuff. I wish I had time to read more and write more. I have a day gig and do a lot of other things, but blogging helps me stay connected to my laptop and ensures sterility (due to EMF on my testicles) which is great because I've had enough kids. Les
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17 Responses to Things We Stick Up There

  1. H.E. ELLIS says:

    I absolutely love how your brain works. That picture, by the way, traumatized me a little bit.

  2. I’m just pretty smart, just like the rest of humanity.

  3. KatZ says:

    well, humans are just hairless monkeys.. curious, wild and sometimes the brain fails us…

    About you friends vegan ex.. I truly believe these people are creepy. I am afraid of them.. It’s not normal to care more about boiled egg than a small child.

  4. Turtles?! Poor little guys..

  5. Curly Carly says:

    Do we know if the gold fish were crackers or actual gold fish?

  6. rantonit says:
    ….also ,I was starting to wonder whether you might be a bit fixated on the topic :p

  7. Actually, it’s an effort. But I’ve committed to a year of writing about these subjects! AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

  8. Yes, it would be terrible if women knew how to handle cucumbers. Sheesh.

  9. speaker7 says:

    I would have thought vodka bottles would have made the list because ass chugging is the new thing now or so the Today show or some other reputable news source has led me to believe.

  10. Well now, you can’t believe every damn thing you see on the TV.

  11. Angie Z. says:

    This post was awesome! I’m way behind on my blog reading right now and I’m so glad I squeezed this in (no pun intended, I swear) to my morning so that I now have the rest of the day to think about rectums stuffed like Thanksgiving turkeys. In comparison, this leads me to now believe my son is a genius for sticking a marker cap up his nose.

  12. Thanks Angie. Sorry to hear your so backed up. Maybe after the holidays you’ll be less constipated.
    PS Your son’s a genius.

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