Is Heidi Montag the Sharpest Tool?

 You’re alright.  You’re solid on the fact that you’re not perfect.  If we’re talking about the sharpest tool in the shed, you’re not. The sharpest tool is always the one that cuts off someone’s hand.  You’re like, I don’t know, a garden hose or a box of slug killer.  Who wants a razor-fu*king-sharp axe in their tool shed anyway?  I’d way rather have you fall on my foot.

Knock Knock  Who just got hit by a Car?

Knock Knock, Who just got Hit by a Car?

Here’s the first shed I saw while driving yesterday, obviously designed by sharp tools.  I had to get out and take a picture of this monument to sharpness.  I don’t know about you, but as a very dull trowel I see a minor design flaw in the layout of this house in relation to the front door.  Let’s put twenty seconds on the clock and write copy for the listing agent:

This cozy Tudor style home was built by Razor McPointy, one of the leading architects to graduate from the “I Build Things Too Close to Cliffs and Roads and Stuff” School of Architecture.  Some of Razor’s other works include a San Francisco Sea Cliff home that fell into the ocean, and a Russian St. Basil’s Cathedral that was struck by a train (it was actually built on railroad tracks.)   

I like it when you can actually measure when a bunch of really smart people do something really stupid, something totally objective, leaving no argument that people way smarter than I am by virtue of a mathematical formula too complicated for me (and you.  Sorry) to understand makes us sharper by their relative movement towards dullness.

This is a picture of the Crosby Kemper Arena in Kansas City Missouri which collapsed June 4rd 1979.  By reading the next sentence, you will increase your intelligence by 1.0237 (to the seventh):

Oops.  We were wrong.

Any chance we can get that award back please?

On June 3rd, 1979, the building, filled with architects to honor the designer Helmut Jahn, awarded Jahn the American Institute of Architects Award for Design Excellence.

Check the dates.  Yep.  The roof caved in the next day.  They totally butter-knifed it.

Another Monument to Genius

This pic is of a Carl’s Junior Six Dollar burger.  I love it when fast food executives make decisions like this.  They are so much smarter than me (and you.  Sorry.) 

Here’s is, really, the best example of the sharpest tool: 

Heidi Montag

If I were a building in Missouri, would I get an award?

This is Heidi Montag.  She is not a hamburger or a building, but she will probably last longer than either one.  Now I would like to talk to Heidi privately.  You can keep reading if you want.

Les: You had the sharpest tools with the sharpest tools use these sharp tools in the sharpest way they knew how.  Maybe you aren’t the sharpest tool, but do you understand what I’m trying to say?

Heidi: Yes, Les.  By illustrating the pervasive lack of judgement seemingly intelligent people display in American culture, my surgeon’s willingness to improve on my natural beauty is the perfect metaphor for why I shouldn’t feel so bad about myself–because the smartest people do really stupid things, and people that aren’t as smart are way less dangerous.  

Les:  You can fall on my foot now. 

I wish you were as smart as me, Les. But you're not.










About bestbathroombooks

I run a small publishing company and am presently seeking the funniest, coolest and most marketable ideas to sell in places like Urban Outfitters, Papyrus, college bookstores and independent bookstores in the Humor Sections. Contact me through this blog or better at There are some talented people out there writing good, funny, conceptual books and blogging some funny stuff. I wish I had time to read more and write more. I have a day gig and do a lot of other things, but blogging helps me stay connected to my laptop and ensures sterility (due to EMF on my testicles) which is great because I've had enough kids. Les
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19 Responses to Is Heidi Montag the Sharpest Tool?

  1. Kaitlin says:

    Ha. Loving the house listing. It’s so true.

    Also, the stadium! Man, I bet they felt foolish in the extreme! They didn’t even have the excuse of a dump load of snow on top, like the metrodome in Minneapolis, huh?

  2. I aspire to be as smart as someone who goes by “Newt.” If I call myself Cave Salamander, will that make me smarter?

  3. aFrankAngle says:

    WOW … Can’t imagine how anyone could make a story based on this pictures. Ok … here’s the challenge …. shuffle the same images into a different order, and then right a second sensible story … heck, and then repeat!

    Well done!

  4. H.E. ELLIS says:

    Never trust a woman who’s named, “Heidi.” Just saying. 🙂

  5. speaker7 says:

    Is Heidi constructed out of legos or play-doh? Also she looks a bit top heavy, is it possible she will collapse like that stadium?

  6. Angie Z. says:

    Wow, you could bounce a quarter off that brain of hers. Or, sure, you might try a rake, too.

  7. That’s good. A rake isn’t sharp. And it has more respect than a Ho.

  8. The Oracle of Burbank says:

    Just like everybody poops, I guess everything must fall. Watch out below for falling roofs, dropping boobs, and common sense…

  9. joem18b says:

    Heidi ought to stay away from sharp objects herself.

  10. or she’ll go flying around the room, right?

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