You’re alright. You’re solid on the fact that you’re not perfect. If we’re talking about the sharpest tool in the shed, you’re not. The sharpest tool is always the one that cuts off someone’s hand. You’re like, I don’t know, a garden hose or a box of slug killer. Who wants a razor-fu*king-sharp axe in their tool shed anyway? I’d way rather have you fall on my foot.
Here’s the first shed I saw while driving yesterday, obviously designed by sharp tools. I had to get out and take a picture of this monument to sharpness. I don’t know about you, but as a very dull trowel I see a minor design flaw in the layout of this house in relation to the front door. Let’s put twenty seconds on the clock and write copy for the listing agent:
This cozy Tudor style home was built by Razor McPointy, one of the leading architects to graduate from the “I Build Things Too Close to Cliffs and Roads and Stuff” School of Architecture. Some of Razor’s other works include a San Francisco Sea Cliff home that fell into the ocean, and a Russian St. Basil’s Cathedral that was struck by a train (it was actually built on railroad tracks.)
I like it when you can actually measure when a bunch of really smart people do something really stupid, something totally objective, leaving no argument that people way smarter than I am by virtue of a mathematical formula too complicated for me (and you. Sorry) to understand makes us sharper by their relative movement towards dullness.
This is a picture of the Crosby Kemper Arena in Kansas City Missouri which collapsed June 4rd 1979. By reading the next sentence, you will increase your intelligence by 1.0237 (to the seventh):
On June 3rd, 1979, the building, filled with architects to honor the designer Helmut Jahn, awarded Jahn the American Institute of Architects Award for Design Excellence.
Check the dates. Yep. The roof caved in the next day. They totally butter-knifed it.
This pic is of a Carl’s Junior Six Dollar burger. I love it when fast food executives make decisions like this. They are so much smarter than me (and you. Sorry.)
Here’s is, really, the best example of the sharpest tool:
This is Heidi Montag. She is not a hamburger or a building, but she will probably last longer than either one. Now I would like to talk to Heidi privately. You can keep reading if you want.
Les: You had the sharpest tools with the sharpest tools use these sharp tools in the sharpest way they knew how. Maybe you aren’t the sharpest tool, but do you understand what I’m trying to say?
Heidi: Yes, Les. By illustrating the pervasive lack of judgement seemingly intelligent people display in American culture, my surgeon’s willingness to improve on my natural beauty is the perfect metaphor for why I shouldn’t feel so bad about myself–because the smartest people do really stupid things, and people that aren’t as smart are way less dangerous.
Les: You can fall on my foot now.