To truly start a conversation about masturbation, you have to start with God. In the Old Testament (it’s on Kindle people), God pens the story of Onan, who pulls out of his sister-in-law early and “spills his seed”. I put this in quotes because God likes to write vague phrases like this so people that are always absolutely right about everything can argue about the Bible on the internet. This keeps them from getting in the way of normal people, as is His plan.
God eventually puts Onan to death. He wanted Onan to be hit by a bus, but mankind was too slow coming up with the internal combustion engine. Whether or not this Hebrew scripture has anything to do with masturbation doesn’t really matter, because the Spilling seed=Getting Killed equation is now hovering in our subconscious, making it forbidden and alluring and perfect for lying about. And that’s what the All Mighty wanted, just like when he invented weed.
The second thing God did was to build humans with arms just long enough to reach our genitals. This is what they call in the south “Intelligent Design”.
God don’t make no accidents.
NOTE: I am not writing this post to pleasure myself.
The subject of masturbation is a touchy one because, while it’s happening everywhere in the world all the time, the level of deniability is incredible. The percentage of people who lie about masturbating is right around 110%–which means that people who aren’t even masturbating are lying about it.
Husbands and wives lie to each other about this subject, never making mention of the Elephant in the Room (who is actually masturbating). Boyfriends and girlfriends, Mothers and Fathers, Gay Lovers, sisters and brothers. They all lie. If you ask ten adults if their parents ever spoke to them about masturbation, you will find eleven (110%) who say no. Conversely, the only thing worse than not having your parents explain masturbation to you would be if they explained masturbation to you.
Many people have peculiar conditions and justifications for this activity, all of which are peculiar and none of which are funny, so I’ve decided not to list them. Let’s just say that some people are vehemently opposed to masturbation, and most of them have bombs strapped to their chests.
Fortunately, the arts and literature crowd have not ignored masturbation, taking a cue from God that it’s okay to write about it as long as it’s tasteful and/or humiliating. You don’t necessarily have to die anymore, but some of characters in these highly-regarded cultural works do. There are too many books and movies to list (Holy Crap I Googled it and there are a ton), but here are a few of my favorite odes to Onanism:
Movie: The Black Swan-creepy dream masturbation and she dies in the end-but she won an Academy Award and Golden Globe.
Book: Ragtime-EL Doctrow-Turn of the Century historical fiction masturbation-Great book, great author. National Book Critics Circle Award
Movie: Fast Times at Ridgemont High-Getting Caught Masturbation scene
Movie: Mullholland Drive-The creepiest masturbation scene you’ll ever see (Naomi Watts). Great Movie directed by David Lynch
Book: Lady Chatterly’s Lover (Duh)
Movie: American Beauty-Kevin Spacey is perfect in this one. Spoiler Alert: He becomes truly happy one second before a bullet passes through his brain.
Movie: There’s Something About Mary-one of several movies with Cameron Diaz involving masturbation. Funny and ground-breaking. And funny.
Book: The Fermata-Time Stopping Masturbation (It’s hard to explain) by Nicholas Baker. Great Book!
Movie: Babel-Brad Pitt was in this movie but he’s not the one who masturbates. (Sorry Ladies and Gay Dudes) Nominated for 7 Academy Awards.
Movie: Kinsey with Liam Neeson-This is the fastest masturbation scene ever in a film. If you blink you will miss it.
Book: Pillars of the Earth-Ken Follett!
I leave you with a few of my favorite euphemisms, as featured in Toiletry From A to Z (along with title artwork by Joe Mielke). Feel free to use these when talking about masturbation in front of little kids and senior citizens. They will not have a clue.
Badgering the Witness, Beating Up Shorty, Burping the Worm, Cleaning the Rifle, Dating Pamela Handerson, Fighting with Tarzan, Flogging the Dolphin, Jackin’ the Beanstalk, Visiting the Petting Zoo, White Water Wristing, Choking the Monkey
Beating around the Bush, Dialing the Rotary Phone, Fingerpainting, Filling in for Dick, Nulling the Void, Paddling the Pink Canoe, Parting the Red Sea, Riding the Unicycle, Surfing the Channel, Tickling the Taco, Tiptoeing Through Twolips, A Night in with the Girls.
Anybody up for the Petting Zoo?