You are a Weirdo

If you’re reading this, you’re a weirdo.  I’ve given you plenty of chances, but you keep being weird.  I don’t mean a complete weirdo.   But you are.  You’re like a big fat hairy guy trying to fit into a photo shoot with supermodels.

Yes, you are the big fat hairy guy.

Look at you.  That gleeful, six-sheets smile.  Thinking you’re “all that” (your words, not mine).  Covering your hairy nipple—why are you covering that nipple?

I’ll tell you why:

Because you think we want to see it.

A little hairy pink part of your weirdness. 

The other reason you’re hiding that nipple?  Because you want to withhold a little private part of yourself that even we can’t see.  You are withholding something, but at the same time letting us see more of you than you show anyone else.

You’re fu*king weird.

Let me explain.

Even if you’re not a blogger, you’re still spending way too much time on the internet.  The whole pixel thing is an elaborate sham.  The fog in the ether has you believing this sh*t is for real.  You care about people that pretty much don’t exist, or just exist until their laptop is stolen and they discover trees.

I’l  make a confession.  I’ll show you a little nipple.  Here it is:

I don’t know a damn thing about some of the people I work with 8 hours a day, but if a stranger has a pimple on his scrotum, he’s going to tell me about it in his blog.  Along with all the sordid details of his date with that chick who has breath like his grandma.

Why should you (or I for that matter) give a sh*t about any of this?

Because we’re weirdos.

If I had a pimple on my scrotum, I might put it in the blog, because many people would be interested in my scrotum pimple, and would be even more interested if I posted a picture.  The hits to this site would go through the roof.  All I would have to say is, “I’m going to post a picture of my scrotum pimple.”  People would be knocking themselves over to get to their laptops to click likeWordPress servers would freeze.  You would ignore a phone call from your dear mother who actually loves you and wants to talk about her regularity now that she’s eating bran.

All because of the pimple on my scrotum.

This is the kind of stuff us fat, hairy guys do so we can fit in with you beautiful people.

But wait.  I was talking about how weird you are.  You avidly read the postings of people you don’t know and interact with them more than your mother’s regularity and care about them and cyber-rush to their aid yet you won’t offer a napkin to that bonehead who just spilled coffee all over his pants (ironically scalding his scrotum which he was planning on photographing later).

But you will never meet any of your cyber-buddies! They will eventually fade like your high school friends’ faces and you’ll realize you never friended them on Facebook so now you’re all alone, with only flesh and blood humans around you, some of whom take very regular poops and are dying to tell you about it in detail.

And here comes the weirdest part of you, the part that makes this photo shoot with you and the supermodels the weirdest thing of all:

If any of these people that you comment on and interact with and think you care about ever actually tracked you down and knocked on your door and introduced themselves and said they drove 3000 miles wearing a diaper so they could get to you faster, you would say something like this:

Excuse me, but you’re a weirdo.

And then you would realize how truly weird you are.

But you don’t know.  Because you think you’re just one of the girls.

But you’re not.

And neither am I.

www.bestbathroombooks.com

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About bestbathroombooks

I run a small publishing company and am presently seeking the funniest, coolest and most marketable ideas to sell in places like Urban Outfitters, Papyrus, college bookstores and independent bookstores in the Humor Sections. Contact me through this blog or better at www.bestbathroombooks.com. There are some talented people out there writing good, funny, conceptual books and blogging some funny stuff. I wish I had time to read more and write more. I have a day gig and do a lot of other things, but blogging helps me stay connected to my laptop and ensures sterility (due to EMF on my testicles) which is great because I've had enough kids. Les
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25 Responses to You are a Weirdo

  1. Reblogged this on familiarhaven and commented:
    What an observation! I agree! 🙂 haha

  2. So are you saying you won’t offer me a napkin if I spill coffee on my pants? What if I spill coffee on your pants, may I offer you a napkin? Because I really am one of the girls, just not one of those girls, but one of the older still a little hot girls. And I should really refrain from commenting after less than four hours of sleep.

    • Awesome if you interact with actual humans, even if you are wiping down their crotches. I hope you and all the other readers know that my a-hole persona is part of my character, but when I show up at your house, I won’t be wearing diapers, because that would just be weird.

  3. aFrankAngle says:

    A creative question: Did the image spark the post or did you write the post and then the image refined it?

    Is there a correlation between eating bran and scrotum pimples?

    Does this post mean no dinner at Capp’s Corner?

    • 1) Great question Frank. You’re so intuitive, because, yes, I just saw the picture while searching for something else and thought “I have to use this.” Then I thought, “How can I best insult everyone who is so nice to me on the internet?” and I wrote this piece.
      2) I don’t know about the scrotum/bran connection, that’s your department being a scientist and deep thinker. My scrotum is actually spectacular.
      3) And lastly, of course I would love to get together at Capp’s. My wife likes reality, not cyberspace, so I write these posts for her (we’re going to Yosemite this weekend-no laptop). I’m so damn busy with work I get jealous of all the other fine bloggers so I go on a rant like this as a thinly veiled attempt to garner attention.
      Gimme a holler when you’re in CA!

  4. speaker7 says:

    Are you saying we’re not best friends? I was going to tell you everything–about how I got that scrotum implant and then it got a pimple, which baffled the doctors because it was made entirely out of aluminum foil. And then…I guess I’ll just let my 300 Facebook friends know. They were so supportive when I streamed a live feed of my scrotum implantation.

    • I loved your live feed of the scrotum implantation, but I thought they could have had a picture in picture of your face showing the pain of the scalpel. Oh well, maybe next time. And yes, we are best friends. I will let you share my diaper unless you think that’s too weird.

  5. GingerSnaap says:

    I’m the kind of weirdo that would offer a napkin to the bonehead who spilled coffee on his pants and ask to see the pimple on his scrotum. It’s only fair that if I wipe down his wet, stained, dirty, dirty, very wet pants, that I should then have the rights to scrotum viewing.

    And Les, if you wanna drive 3000 miles to Ohio while wearing a diaper and knock on my door, I will GLADLY welcome you in with open arms. I will even give you a sponge bath since your diaper rash will be god-awful and in need of a mother’s touch to clear it up.

    Why would I do that, you ask?
    Because I’m weird.
    And because I’m bored. Very, very bored.

    Now, where is the picture of your scrotum pimple?? Do you have a scrotum?

    • Thanks for allowing me into your home. I will not disappoint you (that much). I actually have two scrotums, kind of like those camping lanterns with the net filaments. Each one has two balls and four pimples. The only reason I’m telling you this is because I don’t want you to think I’m weird.

  6. hurtorheal says:

    Reblogged this on Hurt Or Heal and commented:
    Read it. You wont regret it. Giggles guaranteed

  7. Angie Z. says:

    Is it weird that I just now added you to my Cinco de Mayo party invite list? Hope you can make it. Since you live so far away and the drive is so long, you might want to grab some diapers. You can pick them up at the store on your way. Along with some potato salad. See you soon!

  8. Thanks so much, Angie. I will be there with diaper on. I’m so much more charming and handsome in real life. I really do plan on spending some time with your family so get the couch ready.

  9. God is a weirdo. But he has perfect scrota.

  10. El Guapo says:

    Does it make me less weird if I didn;t read the bits about your scrotum pimples?
    (They make a cream for that you know.)

  11. No Guap. Sorry. Can I get some of that cream?

  12. Pingback: Friday Foolishness – Last Minute Edition | Guapola

  13. I actually did have a coworker who had no problem sharing information about the dermatologic status of his junk. He was creepy. I don’t know if he blogs, but if he does I bet it’s epic stuff.

  14. itchemeyer says:

    Finally! A post that I can learn something about myself on and masturbate to. Thats good blogging.

  15. All you need is a post it.

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