Bad Breath? Yeah, You Have It

The Bad Breath Test:

Lick the top of your hand.  Let it dry.  Smell it. 

If it smells bad, you’ve got Bad Breath.


Everyone has favorite aromas and conversely odors that make them gag.  Believe it or not, there is actually a Sense of Smell Institute that catalogues and analyzes thousands of smells.

NOTE: Do NOT fart at this facility or you may be held liable.

The sense of smell is fascinating–even if you’re not a researcher at SSI.  Everyone has their favorite smells, and if your friend or lover’s breath smells like one of your favorites—say, rotting fish– you’re probably in Aroma Heaven.  You might think choosing rotting fish is odd, but Nanook the Eskimo thinks your breath smells like bison wiener. 

The Times of London did a study of Britain’s top 10 Favorite smells and came up with these:

Fresh Bread, frying bacon, coffee, ironing, cut grass, babies, the sea, Christmas tree, perfume and fish and chips.  I was going to launch a breath mint called “Fish and Chips” here in America, but the investors shot me down.  The point is, culture does make a difference.  I mean, think about all that stinky cheese the French are eating right now as they look down their noses at you, you worthless American-piece-of-Monterey Jack.

Your cheese, like your women, just don’t stink enough!

Smells are subjective and can be attached to emotional memories.  If you loved your Mom or Dad and she/he smoked, you might like that smell on the breath of your lover.  But often when someone has what you consider bad breath, you simply want to vomit (which consequently makes your breath bad, ergo, Puking is the Great Equalizer).  Because of this adverse gag reflex, Bad Breath can make a social situation go downhill fast, even if the breather is extremely attractive.

Here are two true scenarios to illustrate my point:

Example #1

I have a friend who looks like a movie star.

Let’s grab a beer and make you nauseous!

He’s a high-level executive, makes a ton of money and has been married and divorced a few times.  He has no problem getting women.  Here’s how our conversation went at the bar as he leaned in to tell me about his latest love interest:

Him: I met this incredible woman at work.  Her name is Hanna.  You just have to, I mean, HAVE to meet her.

Me: Is this before or after I cut open your belly and exorcise the dead alien baby marinating in the juices of Satan’s anus?

I wanted to run into the bathroom and vomit, then scream into his face “Hanna, Hanna, Hanna!” just to square up the Odor Karma.  But alas, I just leaned back and drank my beer.  He is a good friend and I should have been able to tell him, but I just don’t have the necessary skills to navigate this touchy subject.  I felt that I should try another, more subtle form of communication, so I collected some of my dog’s feces, put it in a jar with a note that said “Your Breath” and left it at his front door.

NOTE: I also drew a little heart on the note and made a smiley face inside the “O”.

Example #2:

I was playing with my band at a nightclub and a friend of mine “Mick”, who happens to be a pole vaulter, was approached by a very attractive and curvaceous lady.  She had on jeans and a skin tight white top which she filled out incredibly.  I watched as she approached him, her body language telling me that she was definitely interested in him.  His head is shaved bald and he’s in fantastic shape.  I was happy to see them talk, and hoped that later they would make out in the parking lot so I could post pictures on Facebook.  I could then tell everyone it was Bruce Willis, who loves our band and might jam some of his fantastic harmonica.

Did you think those were Tootsie Rolls?

More people would come see the band next time—that is, unless someone had Bad Breath.

When I looked up at them again, I noticed Mick glaring at me.  After the set, Mick pulled me aside.  Here’s our conversation:

Me: Hey, Mick.  That woman is hot.  She looked like she wanted you.  You should see if she wants to make out in the parking lot, preferably where I can’t actually see the features of your face, but under a streetlight if possible.

Mick: What?

Me: Huh?

Mick: Her breath smelled like someone put dog feces in a jar.

Me: In some cultures, that’s considered sexy.

Mick: Yeah?  What culture would that be?

Here’s where I pulled out my Smartphone to ask it what cultures like the smell of dog poop, but Mick was off to get another beer or maybe just to pole-vault home.  At any rate, Bad Breath ruined our evening.

On a lighter, less depressing note, I was speaking with my daughter yesterday about aromas, and we were discussing that a fart is the only odor that is funny—I mean, the only aroma we could think of that’s processed through the olfactory nerve centers that makes people laugh.

Formulas for next week’s Pop Quiz:

Bad Breath=Disgusting and sometimes gaggish, but not funny

Farts=Disgusting and sometimes gaggish, but funny.

Don’t worry about Bad Breath.  You can always fart and everyone will just start smiling.

And now, an Original Music Video from the Author!

About bestbathroombooks

I run a small publishing company and am presently seeking the funniest, coolest and most marketable ideas to sell in places like Urban Outfitters, Papyrus, college bookstores and independent bookstores in the Humor Sections. Contact me through this blog or better at There are some talented people out there writing good, funny, conceptual books and blogging some funny stuff. I wish I had time to read more and write more. I have a day gig and do a lot of other things, but blogging helps me stay connected to my laptop and ensures sterility (due to EMF on my testicles) which is great because I've had enough kids. Les
This entry was posted in humor, Pretty funny and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

16 Responses to Bad Breath? Yeah, You Have It

  1. speaker7 says:

    Forget about the fish and chips breath mints, you need to market that dog feces in a jar idea. Brilliant!

  2. I’m wondering if your movie star friend reads your blog. Then again, I think you got your point across, haha. Thanks for making me laugh. I love the way you write!

  3. I love eating garlic and bleu cheese stuffed olives and drinking coffee. I ingest at least one of these things every day. Nothing a little gum or quick tooth brush can’t fix 🙂 Plus, Derek smokes, and he drinks Jack (which I think smells awful) so we combine our dragon breath and make magic.

  4. aFrankAngle says:

    My wife eats something that is overly garlic causes her to ooze it out her pores. Well – at least it keeps the mosquitoes away. Meanwhile, while at the grocery last night I was thinking how the smell in the bread aisle makes me smile and how the detergent aisle makes me sneeze. So, I regress to the another memory note this post triggered.

  5. Frank! Is that the Sascha Cohen guy on the left? Those guys are laughing a little too hard at everything.
    Thanks for the tuba.

  6. aFrankAngle says:

    No Sascha Cohen … but actually two sketches of Bob and Tom (syndicated radio hosts, morning). That is them laughing at their own skits, stunts, etc. Ahhh … Sea Breeze … is a classic line. Here’s a list of their affiliates.

  7. TheOthers1 says:

    My brain is fluxing between the yumminess of bacon and the grossness of dog poop. *shudder*

  8. Archon's Den says:

    Cute little post, but seriously, Hellis is missing! I’m a little out of her (and your?) ZIP-code. She works radio? and TV? Drop a line to explain if you can spare the time.

  9. Angie Z. says:

    I knew I could depend on you to one day do a post on bad breath. Thank you. You did it a great service.

    Sometimes when I watch movies set in an earlier period — back when I imagine that people all had rotten teeth that smelled like dog poop — I can never really feel happy for any couple that locks lips. I mean, I’m supposed to be feeling all glad that Mr. Darcy kisses Elizabeth Bennet when really all I can think of is how they must be just about to yak down each other’s throats from the putrid stench.

  10. Thanks Man! It’s to compensate for my bad breath.

  11. hotlyspiced says:

    A Frank Angle recommended your blog to me. Well, I certainly am now worried about the state of my breath. I must take that test.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s