Fake Smiles


Yeah, this is about fake smiles.

Fake smiles weren’t always a problem.  Before cameras, the only time we had to fake smile was when the King or Lord or abusive parent came around and told us how great our bowl of mush was.  We were lucky to be eating anything back then.

Me? I smiled last year.

In the early stages of the camera’s invention, no one felt obligated to display their Pearly Yellows.  It took forever for those old cameras to take a picture anyway.  What was there to smile about?  Fighting off tuberculosis for another week?

So now, thanks to the digital camera, we are beset with the vexing problem of having to be happy all the fu*king time.  Go to any nightclub, party function, work picnic or family dinner, and people who ordinarily hate each other’s guts, once the camera is pointed their way, will smile like they’ll get a bullet in the brain if they don’t.

I swear, if you put Satan and God together on a mountain and brought a digital camera, the two would be grinning like they wanted to move in together.

The thing about taking pictures is that, once you and Uncle Izzie (who you cannot stand with his big belly and all that white stuff around the edges of his dry cracked lips) and the rest of the crew press together to get into the shot, you’ve got to SMILE! because– just for that split second–you don’t hate Uncle Izzie, even though he tried to stick his hand down your pants ten minutes ago.

 I’m pretty good about smiling if something is funny or I’m buzzed (or if something is funny and I’m buzzed).  But asking me to smile on cue is like asking a monkey not to throw poop.

Not gonna happen.

I don’t even know if I’m the father of these little trolls!

When you can get your children to fake smile at an early age, it helps the neighbors make much better interviewees when something finally snaps and this is the picture they  put up on the TV screen.   Everyone will wonder why this family burned their house down/drove off a cliff/went bungee jumping without bungee cords, etc. because they were always smiling!

Why can’t we all be happy at the same time? Who fu*king cares?

Here’s a real family picture.  Everyone is not smiling.  They will probably remember to attach the bungee cords and laugh about this later (real smiles!) because they are not perfect nor is this picture.

Dude, really. Cut it the fu*k out.

Sometimes the fake smile is so fake that it is Certified Fake by an Independent Panel of Fake Smile Analyzers.  It’s just so obvious that, really, why are you doing that?  Just don’t smile at all and we’ll insert a graphic over your head that says, “I hate my life”.

Mom, why does your smile look so real?

Sometimes a fake smile is so upsetting you swallow and pray that mankind will eventually heal itself and stop displaying its tendency to take beautiful things and make them ugly by trying so hard to make them beautiful.  But then, those earrings are gorgeous, aren’t they?

You’re so happy you could poop but I just did!

Sometimes one person, who has practiced fake smiling his entire life, is pitted against someone who has always been a failure at fake smiling.  This produces a picture which only illustrates and contrasts more acutely that the fake smiler is a faker and he/she is indeed an awkward individual.  This would not happen if the fake smiler would just tone it down a bit, or if they were actually having a good time.

How many toothbrushes had to die for this to happen?

Last are the professional Fake Smilers.  These people have perfect teeth and pretty much every picture they take looks like a commercial for Crest Whitening Strips.  When they laugh at a joke that isn’t funny, people are blinded and drive off the road.  Somehow they manage to push their obscenely fluorescent teeth through their lips in such a way that you actually think– just for a split second–maybe they are really smiling.

Fake smiling is here to stay.  The digital camera and Facebook have guaranteed Americans will see at least a million fake smiles in their lifetime.  Let’s all remember that if you just keep fake smiling, eventually, you will really smile.

It’s like the exact opposite of orgasms.

I’ve seen humans do it and they kind of move their lips like this.

And now, an Original Music Video by the Author!

About bestbathroombooks

I run a small publishing company and am presently seeking the funniest, coolest and most marketable ideas to sell in places like Urban Outfitters, Papyrus, college bookstores and independent bookstores in the Humor Sections. Contact me through this blog or better at www.bestbathroombooks.com. There are some talented people out there writing good, funny, conceptual books and blogging some funny stuff. I wish I had time to read more and write more. I have a day gig and do a lot of other things, but blogging helps me stay connected to my laptop and ensures sterility (due to EMF on my testicles) which is great because I've had enough kids. Les
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23 Responses to Fake Smiles

  1. Fake smiling. What a concept.

  2. El Guapo says:

    I like to couple the fake smile while looking away from the camera. If you do it right, people will ask you what you were looking at, then just chuckle wisely and say Oh, nothing…

  3. That’s a whole other post, right? What’s off camera that makes them fake laugh so much.

  4. sparklebumps says:

    Fortuneately, my fake smile is non-existant in photographs. Instead, I always look as constipated as I feel.
    However! At work, I am the master of fake smiles when it comes to customers.

  5. speaker7 says:

    I like the fake smile/dead eyes combo the best.

  6. It’s like the yin and yang of fakery.

  7. I’ve got two looks: genuine smile or major bitch face.

  8. aFrankAngle says:

    The line in this that gets me is “How many toothbrushes had to die for this to happen?” For whatever reason, it makes me smile … but oh crap – a fake smile as I type the re-enactment.

    At least the kid in the first pic wasn’t dressed as Hitler. Of course, ending this post with Dick Cheney is classic.

  9. GingerSnaap says:

    I am really good at fake smiling, but I was for real smiling when I read this.

    Honestly and truly, my smile was wild and unruly.

    Her teeth are so white, without any blight.
    She could be a fucking light,
    Tell me,am I right?

  10. Angie Z. says:

    Through photographs, I think archeologists will observe our civilization as the happiest damn liars of all of time. Sort of like how I assume most turn of the century people were miserable.

    That tiny beauty queen will give me nightmares for weeks to come.

  11. I agree. That’s another blog subject entirely, except I think it wouldn’t be funny, but depressing. I need to stick with the funny as much as possible. Seven year olds dressed like street walkers=not that funny.

  12. Elyse says:

    What? That was a 7-year-old dressed as a slut? Does Rush know? After all he is in the market for wife no. 5…

  13. He’ll have to wait until she’s legal. Damn those government regs.

  14. Pingback: How to find new things [to hate] on the internet. « yeshivaforum

  15. Andrea376 says:

    This reminds me of my grandfather’s portrait with a strict and stern look. He seems like a man who never had a laugh in his life. As a child, I was always scared with that kind of pose.
    I guess, he never had a digital camera 😀

    • Thanks Andrea. YES! I was afraid of my grandfather (on my mother’s side) because I could never tell if he was smiling or pissed off. Got a new book coming out soon entitled FAKE STUFF! And Why You Love It. I’m doing vids on FAKE STUFF–Top Ten Fake Orgasms seems to be getting the most hits so far. More fakeness!

      • Andrea376 says:

        Sounds interesting…:)
        All the best my friend. I am looking forward for your book and I am sure it will be quite amazing! Will be waiting!

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