Hey Crazy Gun Nut Dude!

I live in the Bay Area.  We just had a mass killing here in Oakland a few miles from where I work, so I thought I would address the gun issue.

We have a sh*tload of guns in America.  I will try not to get too deeply into statistics, but I think sh*tload is a pretty accurate number.  The NRA says that Obama is going to take American’s guns away which accounts for the huge spike in gun sales.

Guns are in our Bill of Rights, so there is no changing Americans having guns.  Hey, Crazy Gun Nut Dude, I know the Zombie Apocalypse is coming, but guess what?  No one is going to trick you out of your guns.   They’re tricking you into buying more.

I understand that it’s an exhilarating feeling to be ready for the Zombies.  That’s a great fantasy.  But don’t worry, Guns are here to say.  It’s like wine and the Bible. We will always have wine too.

QUESTION:  If God smoked weed, would we have less guns?

Here in California, we have among the strictest gun laws in the nation.  The NRA says these are crazy laws.  Like for instance, we made it illegal to walk into a Starbucks with guns strapped all over you.  I agree.  This is a crazy law.  There’s nothing that makes me feel safer than a guy filled with caffeine strapped with guns.

But we’re crazy here, so we made it illegal.

We have another law banning automatic weapons.  Another crazy law.  It’s legal to have semi-automatic guns.  California just limited how many bullets you can spray at once.  Why would we want the government to limit how many bullets we can spray all over the place?  The Second Amendment specifically says we have the right to spray bullets.

The Crazy Gun Nut Dude is always asking questions like this:

How would you like it if someone broke into your house and killed your children and raped your wife right in front of you?

Thanks, Crazy Gun Nut Dude.  That’s a question that I will have to think about for awhile.

Here’s a question I have for you:

How would you like to get run over by a car?

Before you answer, let me add that your kids are at home safely and your wife isn’t getting raped.  She is just trying to figure out how to feed the family while you’re buying your fifth Uzi.

Don’t worry Crazy Gun Nut Dude. I know guns turn you on.  You can collect as many as you want.  But just be aware that you are a weirdo, as much as the guy who collects Pez dispensers.  The difference is the Pez dispensers won’t kill you (unless you eat the Pez).


Crazy Gun Nut Dude says: They’ll take away my guns when they pry them from my cold dead fingers.

Hey Crazy Gun Nut Dude: When you’re dying from accidentally shooting yourself in the testicles, wouldn’t you like to be holding the warm live fingers of the one you love?

And now, an Original Music Video by the Author!

About bestbathroombooks

I run a small publishing company and am presently seeking the funniest, coolest and most marketable ideas to sell in places like Urban Outfitters, Papyrus, college bookstores and independent bookstores in the Humor Sections. Contact me through this blog or better at www.bestbathroombooks.com. There are some talented people out there writing good, funny, conceptual books and blogging some funny stuff. I wish I had time to read more and write more. I have a day gig and do a lot of other things, but blogging helps me stay connected to my laptop and ensures sterility (due to EMF on my testicles) which is great because I've had enough kids. Les
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24 Responses to Hey Crazy Gun Nut Dude!

  1. joehoover says:

    I’d like to be more hands on killing zombies, guns seem like cheating

  2. Frank says:

    First of all, the images in your posts are in a class all to themselves … which also makes me wonder about the ones that you had to sift through that weren’t used. Whew!!!

    I’m not a gun owner, nor have I had the urge to get one. I have fired them, but I still don’t have the urge to buy one, or even return to the range. Yet I know that responsible gun owners exist, but that does not mean that all gun owners are responsible. … and there’s no doubt that the Founding Fathers had owning automatic weapons in their mind —- sure they did – just like I have some waterfront land in Florida for sale. Interested in buying?

  3. speaker7 says:

    I don’t know why, but that last photo makes owning a gun look ridiculous. I can’t put my finger on it, but there’s something a little off with that guy.

  4. El Guapo says:

    Typical hippie liberal response.
    Guns don’t kill people. People kill guns…with other…guns…and stuff…
    Yeah, I said it.
    Sadly, your conversation with Crazy Gun Nut Dude wouldn’t penetrate at all. I’ve always wondered why we, as people who don;t mind guns but object to the ease of access and proliferation, don;t join the NRA en masse and change their policies from the inside…

    Hope everyone in Oakland is able to deal with the trauma and horro, and that something good comes out of it in terms of attitude change…

    • GingerSnaap says:

      Hey Guap? You wanna wear that speedo instead of a yellow lederhosen? Just a suggestion- no pressure. Yet.

    • Perfect comment. There are normal, non-psychotic, non-paranoid, non-racist people who own guns. They need to tell LaPierre to stop making up psychotic, paranoid, racist reasons to buy more guns. The guy is preying on the ignorant and he’s in the pocket of the Luger company.
      So obvi.

  5. Okay, couldn’t you have found a handsome, really well built half naked guy with lots of guns? After all it is really early in the morning and that just burned my retinas.

    Otherwise, that was perfectly awesome as always. Though I am not nearly as worried about someone strapped and over-caffeinated as I am about the ignoramus’ double strapped and riding the bull at Gilley’s.

  6. Elyse says:

    ON the head, right here, Les.

  7. GingerSnaap says:

    Did you say something?
    Once I laid my delicate eyes upon that hunk of burning love in the speedo, I forgot what I had just read.

    Can I get his phone number? I like his hair- all of it, from his head down to his toes.

  8. I wish i could unsee that last image.

  9. Sorry. I’m still trying to get the first image out of my head.

  10. why are we not talking about the first image? the last one miiigghhttt be a joke (no, really- that HAS to be a joke) but the first one is for realsies. which… is way scarier. right?


    • So right, Mz. ss. I can’t tell if he’s protecting her or taking her hostage. He probably doesn’t know either.
      He does have good aim though.
      And what is that flame painting on her stomach?

  11. Pingback: BBQ Sauce or Blood? | bestbathroombooks

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