As a person who is motivated by a deep sense of responsibility to talk about things no one else likes to talk about, and further a person who likes to feature my best friend Joe Mielke’s artwork (which is pretty much single-line Picasso), I would like to discuss this growth down under that can be painful, embarrassing and frustrating . To clear up any confusion, I’m not talking about Mel Gibson.
If you’ve ever been afflicted with hemorrhoids, you know how humbling they can be. Whether they are a blip on the radar screen or a full-groan catcher’s mitt nestled uncomfortably between your buttcheeks, these little Flesh Muffins with an Attitude are God’s equivalent of a steaming pile of love loaf on your morning pillow.
Because humor is the best way to deal with many of life’s inconveniences (except your death, because you’re dead and you cannot laugh because you’re dead) here’s a quick joke you can’t tell anyone because it’s really gross, but words are little pillow puffs compared to a raging hemorrhoid so those afflicted may feel better after reading this joke:
WARNING: YOU CAN’T TELL THIS JOKE TO ANYONE. I MEAN ANYONE. YOU CAN”T TELL ANYONE AT ALL. THAT”S WHY I AM SHOUTING RIGHT NOW.
Okay, here’s the Forbidden Joke:
Doctor: So you have hemorrhoids?
Patient: Really bad.
Doctor: Let me see. Wow, those are really bad. I’m going to have to bite them off.
Patient: Is that how you cure them?
Doctor: Yes, it is.
As the doctor is biting off the hemorrhoids, the patients farts. The doctor stops biting, indignant at the patient.
Doctor: I’m ceasing treatment because you just grossed me out.
This joke is not a reflection of me as a person. I’m normal. An abnormal person made up this joke. I am just reporting it.
Let’s discuss statistics as a palette cleanser from the FORBIDDEN JOKE.
75% of humans will have hemorrhoids at some point in their lifetime.
50% of women may experience hemorrhoids in the later months of pregnancy.
92% of people cannot correctly spell hemorrhoids, even if threatened with a gun or forced to actually bite someone else’s hemorrhoids.
NOTE: Biting is not a cure for most ailments.
Sometimes, to alleviate the pain of hemorrhoids, people sit on what’s called a “hemorrhoid donut”.
This should not be confused with the donuts that Newt Gingrich eats for breakfast, lunch, dinner, midnight snack and upon waking. This donut is usually made of vinyl or rubber and allows a person to sit comfortably, alleviating direct pressure on the “donut hole”.
If you are afflicted with internal or external hemorrhoids, know that you are not alone. There is treatment for hemorrhoids, which I’m not going to go into here, because you have Google and the treatments would make many of you scream out loud, which could upset all the other people at Starbucks writing blogs about every possible subject—except hemorrhoids.
If this blog has taught you one thing (I’m holding up one finger now, which, if gloved, could check on your hemorrhoids) it would be that if you suffer from hemorrhoids you are not alone.
Also, hopefully you have learned how to spell “hemorrhoids”.
My work is done.