‘Roid Rage (The Other Kind)

If you believe in God, then you have to think She has a sense of humor.  The proof is in the hemorrhoids.

As a person who is motivated by a deep sense of responsibility to talk about things no one else likes to talk about, and further a person who likes to feature my best friend Joe Mielke’s artwork (which is pretty much single-line Picasso), I would like to discuss this growth down under that can be painful, embarrassing and frustrating .  To clear up any confusion, I’m not talking about Mel Gibson.

The Doctor says I'll go away in a few days

If you’ve ever been afflicted with hemorrhoids, you know how humbling they can be.  Whether they are a blip on the radar screen or a full-groan catcher’s mitt nestled uncomfortably between your buttcheeks, these little Flesh Muffins with an Attitude are God’s equivalent of a steaming pile of love loaf on your morning pillow.

Because humor is the best way to deal with many of life’s inconveniences (except your death, because you’re dead and you cannot laugh because you’re dead) here’s a quick joke you can’t tell anyone because it’s really gross, but words are little pillow puffs compared to a raging hemorrhoid so those afflicted may feel better after reading this joke:

WARNING: YOU CAN’T TELL THIS JOKE TO ANYONE. I MEAN ANYONE.  YOU CAN”T TELL ANYONE AT ALL.  THAT”S WHY I AM SHOUTING RIGHT NOW.

Okay, here’s the Forbidden Joke:

Doctor: So you have hemorrhoids?

Patient: Really bad.

Doctor: Let me see.  Wow, those are really bad.   I’m going to have to bite them off.

Patient:  Is that how you cure them?

Doctor: Yes, it is.

As the doctor is biting off the hemorrhoids, the patients farts. The doctor stops biting, indignant at the patient.

Doctor:  I’m ceasing treatment because you just grossed me out.

This joke is not a reflection of me as a person.  I’m normal.  An abnormal person made up this joke.  I am just reporting it.

Let’s discuss statistics as a palette cleanser from the FORBIDDEN JOKE.

75% of humans will have hemorrhoids at some point in their lifetime.

50% of women may experience hemorrhoids in the later months of pregnancy.

92% of people cannot correctly spell hemorrhoids, even if threatened with a gun or forced to actually bite someone else’s hemorrhoids.

NOTE: Biting is not a cure for most ailments.

Sometimes, to alleviate the pain of hemorrhoids, people sit on what’s called a “hemorrhoid donut”. 

No one will even notice

 This should not be confused with the donuts that Newt Gingrich eats for breakfast, lunch, dinner, midnight snack and upon waking.  This donut is usually made of vinyl or rubber and allows a person to sit comfortably, alleviating direct pressure on the “donut hole”.

You had about this too many sprinkles on that last one because you're stupid.

If you are afflicted with internal or external hemorrhoids, know that you are not alone.  There is treatment for hemorrhoids, which I’m not going to go into here, because you have Google and the treatments would make many of you scream out loud, which could upset all the other people at Starbucks writing blogs about every possible subject—except hemorrhoids.

If this blog has taught you one thing (I’m holding up one finger now, which, if gloved, could check on your hemorrhoids) it would be that if you suffer from hemorrhoids you are not alone.

Also, hopefully you have learned how to spell “hemorrhoids”.

My work is done.

Les

www.bestbathroombooks.com

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About bestbathroombooks

I run a small publishing company and am presently seeking the funniest, coolest and most marketable ideas to sell in places like Urban Outfitters, Papyrus, college bookstores and independent bookstores in the Humor Sections. Contact me through this blog or better at www.bestbathroombooks.com. There are some talented people out there writing good, funny, conceptual books and blogging some funny stuff. I wish I had time to read more and write more. I have a day gig and do a lot of other things, but blogging helps me stay connected to my laptop and ensures sterility (due to EMF on my testicles) which is great because I've had enough kids. Les
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17 Responses to ‘Roid Rage (The Other Kind)

  1. I don’t think you have any proof that donut pillows are NOT the kind of donut that Newt Gingrich eats. I kind of like to think that he does.

  2. It’s true. I have no proof. Damn.

  3. speaker7 says:

    How does one get rid of a Mel Gibson or a Newt Gingrich? I find them intensely irritating even when viewing them perched a top a donut pillow covered in sprinkles.

  4. “There is treatment for hemorrhoids, which I’m not going to go into here, because you have Google and the treatments would make many of you scream out loud, which could upset all the other people at Starbucks writing blogs about every possible subject—except hemorrhoids.”

    Awesome! haha. And thank you for this post which, at the very least, taught me how to correctly spell hemorrhoids. 🙂

    • You’re welcome. While I’m getting hits on this post, I figured not a lot of people would want to comment because it’s, well, about hemorhoids. But I was laughing when I wrote it so who cares!
      Les

  5. mcqty says:

    Just stumbled upon your blog… first post I read – Hemorrhoids – Can it get any worse??? What a sense of humor… or is it a fluke your post was so funny? I shall keep reading to find out !!

    Thanks for sharing 0hhh and educating us as well !!

  6. Angie Z. says:

    Personal disclosure: I have never had these things you speak of. Not even while pregnant. What in the world causes them and is there no cure, for God’s sake? I pray I’m the evolved human who will stay in the 25% for my lifetime.

    I always thought it was hem-roids. As in, this is your butt on roids. I guess I never thought through the hem part.

  7. aFrankAngle says:

    WIth Joe’s artwork and your writing, no wonder you partner in a book! Gotta love that pic!

  8. Thanks again, Frank. That is probably the most palletable (can I use that word here?) drawing you’ll ever see of ‘roids. It’s a fun book, and we’re starting to get some traction…and on to the next endeavor.
    Les

  9. Thank your lucky stars you colon-healthy blogger!
    Les

  10. joe mielke says:

    You are developing quite a following. Can I be one of them, even if I don’t have hemorrhoids? The Daily Show is looking for some new writers. I hope you will still work with me.

  11. talker96 says:

    If you go to the Daily show…..please take me with you.
    Seriously, great post. Nothing like the holidays to talk about hemorrhoids(I actually had to retype that damn word 3 times)

  12. You definitely qualify for the Daily Show–you have the most consistently funny blog on the web. Anybody who reads this should check out Page of Awesome. The shit is ALWAYS funny.
    Les

  13. ijkm says:

    Hilarious! I’m gonna order my dad a donut chair for his computer room. He already has a ‘roid cutter (freezer knife).

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