Who Died and made you Penis?

Since God, in all references of religious texts, is a man (as is the devil), we can assume that the penis is the one thing that God has in common with half of earth’s human population.  To say that we are created in his image really only applies to us men, unless women can figure out a way to look like St. Peter naked.

I was always told not to talk about religion or politics, but no one ever told me I couldn’t talk about how the Penis rules the Earth.  It’s another one of those things that no one talks about but is right in front of your face (sorry about that visual).

There is a mountain of evidence to support this premise.

Mankind–as it’s called because it’s all about the penis– has long celebrated the penis.  Even without overtly stating this fact, humans bow to the boner in the most obvious ways.  It’s almost like getting hit over the head with a club—or caveman’s first phallic weapon.

We’ve seen the Japanese celebration of Penis Day, which seems culturally weird, until you realize that this:

is a lot more harmful than carrying a paper mache penis down Main Street while everyone eats candy shaped like Grandpa’s Tool.


Since this post is penis-centric, I’d like to apologize to half of the people reading this who’ve already had enough of Penazzling in New York City and elsewhere.  The point is, we swinging dicks rule the earth with an iron fist.  True, most of the time the iron fist is around the swinging dick, but this is, alas, the way things are.  Men are bigger and stronger and hence have their way with history.  It’s like two people in a room, and one has a gun.  The gun wielder will always win the argument.  Men carry the proverbial gun, so they win the argument in this Big Room called Earth.

NOTE: You do not have to be correct to win an argument.   You just have to have a gun.

The quality of the decision-making process can be adversely affected by following the penis.  Most men will admit this.  As the great John Hiatt sings in his composition Little Head:

“I’m so easily led when my little head does the thinkin’.”

Our forefathers (those much-revered men who couldn’t keep their penises in their pantaloons) said, “All people with penises are created equal”.  They were trying to point out that women were of no real importance, and then went back to their homes and screwed their wives and slave women, who did most of the real work and bore their children.

The world is run by men in high places, all making decisions based on their penises.  My favorite political erection so far has been the 1996 race between Bill Clinton and Bob Dole.

Here’s a brief synopsis in penis form:

Bill Clinton: Penis wouldn’t go down and eventually got him impeached.

Bob Dole: Penis wouldn’t go up, and eventually got him a spokesman job for boner medicine.

Who won election: Penis that wouldn’t go down.

Erect penises and limp penises are the two main types of penis personalities that rule the earth.  There are also big and small penises, and to end all argument, size matters.  Typically, big hard penises usually destroy little soft penises–but not always.

It’s reery small but I’m reery powerful

Remember Kim Jong-il?

Let’s take a look at some examples of how the penis has affected all aspects of our lives:

NOTE:  If you’re getting sick of the penis right now, so am I.  But I have to live with one, so buck up.

Sports:  Tiger Woods:  For some men, the penis is a gyroscope.  In Tiger Woods’ case, when his penis was forced to deflate, he spun off his axis and was unable to wield a golf club with his previous accuracy again.

Industry and the Environment: The Internal Combustion Engine: A piston pumping into a cylinder? You think men are ever going to give this up?

Art and Music: Rock and Roll: This one is almost too easy.  The guitar is so obviously phallic that I’m not sure why they just don’t make them all pink and hang balls off of them.

Urban Structure: Sky scrapers: Another obvious attempt to compensate for a small penis, the sky scraper is a jutting, Howard Roarkian example of man’s need to erect the giant erection.

Weaponry: Guns: With lead ejaculate, man decided early in the industrial age to manufacture a million deadly metal penises, because shooting semen just doesn’t get the job done.

Defense: Missles: Oh boy, this is one of man’s dangerous attempts to make his penis the ultimate fu*k machine.  Unfortunately , men decided to put a nuclear war head on the tip, and now we’re all screwed.

So, to recap the obvious:

Religion: Male Dominated

Politics: Male Dominated

Warfare: Male Dominated

Global Strife: Male Instituted

The purpose of this post is not to depress those with or without penises (this is assuming that most of my readers aren’t transgender).  Men have done plenty of fantastic things too.  The purpose of this and all bestbathroombooks posts is to speak freely about the obvious.  Men are the root, and having one growing out the middle of our bodies has somehow brought us to this point in history. Obvi.

Women will never rule this planet. 

But maybe they do rule another one.

I wonder what it’s like.

And now, an Original Music Video from the Author!

About bestbathroombooks

I run a small publishing company and am presently seeking the funniest, coolest and most marketable ideas to sell in places like Urban Outfitters, Papyrus, college bookstores and independent bookstores in the Humor Sections. Contact me through this blog or better at www.bestbathroombooks.com. There are some talented people out there writing good, funny, conceptual books and blogging some funny stuff. I wish I had time to read more and write more. I have a day gig and do a lot of other things, but blogging helps me stay connected to my laptop and ensures sterility (due to EMF on my testicles) which is great because I've had enough kids. Les
This entry was posted in Kinda Funny and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

24 Responses to Who Died and made you Penis?

  1. aFrankAngle says:

    Another Les post that has made me speechless – but will this become an episode for NPR Perspective?

    • Actually, Frank, it might work. My next Perspective will hopefully be hopeful–this one was kind of a downer, just because of the reality of male domination. Some things are the way they are, and so I was wondering what it would be like if it wasn’t. I don’t think women are perfect either, but I wonder what it would be like if they ruled the world.
      I’d like to visit that planet just to see the difference.

  2. speaker7 says:

    I’m really getting tired of the penis especially the penises that decide health care policy for those without penises.

    • So am I. I can’t figure any way out of the way things presently are. Fortunately, America, as penised as it is, is better than a lot of other countries on earth. But we’ve got a long way to go.

  3. benzeknees says:

    I liked this post, but only because I think you made a valid point – the population with the penis is still essentially running the world. I don’t like that idea. I don’t like it that humans who have things dangling outside their bodies where they can be really hurt are making decisions for me. I don’t like it that humans with a lot of testosterone (associated with having a penis), which have started a lot of fights & maybe even wars, are making decisions for me. I don’t like it that humans with penises & not one nurturing iota in their bodies are making decisions for me.
    I want to be a part of the decision making. I want my soft squishy bits to have as much power as the penis. After all, we help populate the earth – why shouldn’t we be able to make decisions about what kind of world our children are born into?

    • Honestly, I had a hard time writing this post because I like to be funny. But every once in awhile I see things (as everyone else does), and I acknowledge the reality, and it isn’t funny. I sincerely am curious how the world would be different if women ruled. I can’t imagine it, and they’ll never get a chance on this planet.
      Would they have guns? Would they have bombs? What kind of sports? As many wars? As many genocides? I’m just curious what they would do.
      Anyone know of a book that realistically portrays women as the rulers of a planet (that isn’t the Amazon Testosterone Woman archtype)?

      • benzeknees says:

        Actually, I don’t know of any books covering the topic you’re looking at – but maybe we could take a lesson from England & Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher. How did having a female Prime Minister change England? Was there a change at all, after all she still had to deal with all the “male” leaders of the free world in order to run her country. When you are the only female leader are you actually able to influence the other “male” leaders at all? I hope you will keep looking into this & keep us up to date. March is International Women’s Month & this is an interesting topic to explore. Love to keep the discussion going.

  4. I love you closing with “obvi”.

    Penises definitely rule the world. The only reason I got any hits on my Internat’l Women’s Day post is because I included half naked pictures of Mila Kunis.

  5. Ha! That’s funny. Yeah, guys will always be lead by the little head. It’s in our DNA. Mila Kunis is pretty damn easy on the eyes.
    But don’t hate her.

  6. improvmantra says:

    What is the sound of one penis clapping… I am not sure, but I’d be making that sound if I could. Of course the idea of “clap” and penis makes me generally uncomfortable as well.

  7. El Guapo says:

    Penises (Penii?) don’t rule the world. The fact that men can easily pee while standing is why men rule the world.
    Just sayin…

    And I too would like to see a world run by women. Or at least, not by penises.

  8. aFrankAngle says:

    Off topic … Happy St. Patrick’s Day Les!

  9. Thanks Frank! Same to you. Hope you get your fill of cornbeef and green beer!

  10. Men rule the world, hmmm this is generally true. Men are ruled by their baser needs, this is also more generally true and why fights get started, wars get started, women get harmed.

    Interestingly enough, we now have enough stored sperm men have rendered themselves unnecessary to the continuation of ‘mankind’. Hmmm, what now?

  11. Angie Z. says:

    “Bill Clinton: Penis wouldn’t go down and eventually got him impeached. Bob Dole: Penis wouldn’t go up, and eventually got him a spokesman job for boner medicine.”

    Spot-on analogy there. Spot-on. And I’d add to this that in cases like when Dukakis ran against George Sr., the limp penises just cancel each other out and we elect whoever is best able to rise above their limp penis. “Rise” being an ironic word choice, I suppose.

  12. Great examples, Angie. This was a hard piece to write (no pun intended) and I’m glad it’s no longer hanging over my head (no pun intended).

  13. BuddhaKat says:

    hmmmmm… I wonder how many “penes” in a post does it take to be FP’d!?!?!?
    (a legit plural, btw)…
    just sayin’


  14. Pingback: Hey Vagina! | bestbathroombooks

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s