Who Died and made you Penis?

Since God, in all references of religious texts, is a man (as is the devil), we can assume that the penis is the one thing that God has in common with half of earth’s human population.  To say that we are created in his image really only applies to us men, unless women can figure out a way to look like St. Peter naked.

I was always told not to talk about religion or politics, but no one ever told me I couldn’t talk about how the Penis rules the Earth.  It’s another one of those things that no one talks about but is right in front of your face (sorry about that visual).

There is a mountain of evidence to support this premise.

Mankind–as it’s called because it’s all about the penis– has long celebrated the penis.  Even without overtly stating this fact, humans bow to the boner in the most obvious ways.  It’s almost like getting hit over the head with a club—or caveman’s first phallic weapon.

We’ve seen the Japanese celebration of Penis Day, which seems culturally weird, until you realize that this:

is a lot more harmful than carrying a paper mache penis down Main Street while everyone eats candy shaped like Grandpa’s Tool.

 

Since this post is penis-centric, I’d like to apologize to half of the people reading this who’ve already had enough of Penazzling in New York City and elsewhere.  The point is, we swinging dicks rule the earth with an iron fist.  True, most of the time the iron fist is around the swinging dick, but this is, alas, the way things are.  Men are bigger and stronger and hence have their way with history.  It’s like two people in a room, and one has a gun.  The gun wielder will always win the argument.  Men carry the proverbial gun, so they win the argument in this Big Room called Earth.

NOTE: You do not have to be correct to win an argument.   You just have to have a gun.

The quality of the decision-making process can be adversely affected by following the penis.  Most men will admit this.  As the great John Hiatt sings in his composition Little Head:

“I’m so easily led when my little head does the thinkin’.”

Our forefathers (those much-revered men who couldn’t keep their penises in their pantaloons) said, “All people with penises are created equal”.  They were trying to point out that women were of no real importance, and then went back to their homes and screwed their wives and slave women, who did most of the real work and bore their children.

The world is run by men in high places, all making decisions based on their penises.  My favorite political erection so far has been the 1996 race between Bill Clinton and Bob Dole.

Here’s a brief synopsis in penis form:

Bill Clinton: Penis wouldn’t go down and eventually got him impeached.

Bob Dole: Penis wouldn’t go up, and eventually got him a spokesman job for boner medicine.

Who won election: Penis that wouldn’t go down.

Erect penises and limp penises are the two main types of penis personalities that rule the earth.  There are also big and small penises, and to end all argument, size matters.  Typically, big hard penises usually destroy little soft penises–but not always.

It’s reery small but I’m reery powerful

Remember Kim Jong-il?

Let’s take a look at some examples of how the penis has affected all aspects of our lives:

NOTE:  If you’re getting sick of the penis right now, so am I.  But I have to live with one, so buck up.

Sports:  Tiger Woods:  For some men, the penis is a gyroscope.  In Tiger Woods’ case, when his penis was forced to deflate, he spun off his axis and was unable to wield a golf club with his previous accuracy again.

Industry and the Environment: The Internal Combustion Engine: A piston pumping into a cylinder? You think men are ever going to give this up?

Art and Music: Rock and Roll: This one is almost too easy.  The guitar is so obviously phallic that I’m not sure why they just don’t make them all pink and hang balls off of them.

Urban Structure: Sky scrapers: Another obvious attempt to compensate for a small penis, the sky scraper is a jutting, Howard Roarkian example of man’s need to erect the giant erection.

Weaponry: Guns: With lead ejaculate, man decided early in the industrial age to manufacture a million deadly metal penises, because shooting semen just doesn’t get the job done.

Defense: Missles: Oh boy, this is one of man’s dangerous attempts to make his penis the ultimate fu*k machine.  Unfortunately , men decided to put a nuclear war head on the tip, and now we’re all screwed.

So, to recap the obvious:

Religion: Male Dominated

Politics: Male Dominated

Warfare: Male Dominated

Global Strife: Male Instituted

The purpose of this post is not to depress those with or without penises (this is assuming that most of my readers aren’t transgender).  Men have done plenty of fantastic things too.  The purpose of this and all bestbathroombooks posts is to speak freely about the obvious.  Men are the root, and having one growing out the middle of our bodies has somehow brought us to this point in history. Obvi.

Women will never rule this planet. 

But maybe they do rule another one.

I wonder what it’s like.

And now, an Original Music Video from the Author!