I go into the house

The bones are talking

I go into the house.  I meet the woman.  Her house is large.  It is worth millions.  Her problem is her stone.  She has already used my workers.  They have done their job.  But something isn’t right.  I am there to fix it.  The woman walks through the house.  It is clean.  It has been decorated by someone else.  We walk for a long time inside the house.  We get to the stone.  There is something about the stone that makes her unhappy.  The stone is unclean. The stone is chipped.  The stone is cracked.  The stone is etched.  The stone is wrong.  I look at the stone.  It is limestone.  The stone is made up of bones.  The bones are from animals that lived on earth a million years ago.  The animals swam in the sea.  The animals roamed the land.  The animals died and ended up on the bottom of the ocean.  A million years later a man dug down into the stone.  He cut it into pieces.  He put it on a boat.  The bones of a hundred thousand animals are in the woman’s floor, inside the woman’s house.  The bones are under the woman’s feet.  But the bones make the woman unhappy.  She tells me calmly she wants them fixed.  Her voice is soft but she is screaming.  The stone is wrong.  The stone is wrong.  It hurts her to look at the stone.  The stone is very expensive.  The house is very expensive.  The stone shouldn’t look this way.  The bones are defying her, the bones are rattling inside her head, the animals mocking her as she walks over them.  She wants to know if I can fix the stone.  I can fix it.  I can make the bones change.  I can make them gleam.  I can fix the holes.  I can fix the crack.  I can remove the etch.  I can take the anger out of the stone.  She smiles, knowing I will fix the stone.  She thanks me.  A great weight has been taken off of her shoulders.  She is not angry anymore.  The bones on the floor of her large house will not make her angry anymore.  The bones of the dead animals know my tools and my hands.  I get on my knees and think about the animals while I am fixing the stone.  I wonder what made them happy, back when they were alive, back before they got inside the woman’s head and caused her so much pain.

And now, an Original Music Video from the Author!

About bestbathroombooks

I run a small publishing company and am presently seeking the funniest, coolest and most marketable ideas to sell in places like Urban Outfitters, Papyrus, college bookstores and independent bookstores in the Humor Sections. Contact me through this blog or better at www.bestbathroombooks.com. There are some talented people out there writing good, funny, conceptual books and blogging some funny stuff. I wish I had time to read more and write more. I have a day gig and do a lot of other things, but blogging helps me stay connected to my laptop and ensures sterility (due to EMF on my testicles) which is great because I've had enough kids. Les
This entry was posted in Not to Laugh at and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to I go into the house

  1. edrevets says:

    I like the category, “not to laugh at.” Sometimes it helps to know.

    I liked the style of the story…short sentences. Draw you in. Keep you there. Make a big point with small statements.

  2. speaker7 says:

    I liked the line: “Her voice is soft but she is screaming.”

  3. fulltimegangsta says:

    This is deep! I like it..

  4. Susan Child says:

    Please tell me you “fixed” the stone by taking it out and putting in another.

    • I don’t install stone. Our company hones and polishes existing floors. I should have been more clear, but it was prose, so it was in my head. This woman was an amalgam of all the women and floors I’ve seen over many years, and all the dead animals I’ve ever walked on.

  5. aFrankAngle says:

    The short sentence style is intriguing, yet meaning is deep. Your alter ego did well!

  6. Lovely writing …. stupid woman

  7. Thanks Valentine. I try not to think of them as stupid–but the things they find important are difficult for me to imagine. It keeps me employed, so I better shut up!

  8. itchemeyer says:

    Was that an actual shot? I’d think that’s worth some serious coin

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