Beauty is a Beast

Would you listen to Sarah Palin if she was ugly?When a supermodel walks into the propeller of a plane, we get upset, horrified—but mostly we wonder what the propeller did to her face.  We don’t care if an ugly person walks into a propeller.  Ugly people walk into propellers all the time, but nobody cares.

I was going to write about beauty from the perspective of having a vagina, but that might be offensive, and everyone knows bestbathroombooks is all about celebrating the body without offending people (unless you wear V neck sweater vests, in which case I am totally offended.)

I grab her from behind like this and practice the fourth F.

This post is about beauty.  This post is about how beauty affects everyone and everything since the beginning of time.  For the sake of brevity, I’m talking about human beauty.

Since I don’t have a vagina, I can only look at this issue from my dangly side of the fence.

Beauty has an ism, in this case, Beautyism, a definable truth that humans are drawn to beauty, those visual delights which please the eye.  Beauty is everywhere, and we’re drawn to it because we’re hardwired to do so.

The desire to seek and gaze upon beautiful things is never going to change because to see beauty is to be alive, and that’s coded into our DNA.  Researching this subject (which presently means Googling “Beautyism”) provides proof that even babies are drawn to the symmetry of a beautiful face and the mathematical ratios that cause us to get all giddy and giggly and eventually sexually stimulated by the sight.

You thought I was Freddy Mercury, dint ya?

John Stossel, that mustacheod douche who used to be a tolerable newscaster before he started working for FOX, did a segment on Beautyism in 2006 and proved what we all know is obvious: Good looking people have advantages that less attractive people don’t.  Why anybody would think this is revelation, I don’t know, but he got paid to do a show about it.  Maybe because he’s reasonably handsome and his mustache doesn’t smell like Doritos (Duh).

If you look at a statue of Nefertiti, or a painting of the Pink Lady or Michelangelo’s Statue of David you see that humans have had a pretty consistent sense of human beauty throughout history.

This doesn’t make people who are less attractive or ugly less worthy, but it’s not the beautiful peoples’ fault that they’re beautiful either (so don’t be a hater).  The point is, those who are genetically gifted got handed a winning lottery ticket and at least they can show some appreciation to the rest of us.  We’ve all heard the story about the stunning woman who’s home on Saturday night.  Well Boo-fu*king–hoo. 

Sorry, but I’ll save my tears for the ugly girl.

Reality Check:  The majority of us aren’t the photogenic peaches we see on TV and in the movies.  Go to any mall in America and confirm the obvious.  Victoria’s Secret is that nobody looks like her.

Would you vote for Mitt Romney if he looked like this?

There are movements against Beautyism, no doubt started by unattractive people who are yearning to be accepted and attended to.  I agree with them.  They are socially screwed and wrongfully ignored.  They will never be on TV, be the star quarterback or the President of the United States because they are dismissed as useless trolls under the bridge of life .  Religion attempts to combat our natural urges–  unfortunately, the Bible doesn’t say anything about being nice to ugly people.

You’ve probably read some form of these platitudes before, but no one ever does anything about it.  Beauty will always be around us, and we can’t stop it or even stop its effect on us.  I’m lucky I don’t have a vagina, because of the importance placed on female beauty that men–especially the ugly ones–don’t have to deal with at all.

But you can do something, one little thing that could change someone’s life forever.

The next time you see a little girl all dressed up in a dress with a ribbon in her hair, instead of telling her how beautiful she is, simply ask her this:

“What’s your favorite book?”  

And now, an Original Music Video from the Author!

About bestbathroombooks

I run a small publishing company and am presently seeking the funniest, coolest and most marketable ideas to sell in places like Urban Outfitters, Papyrus, college bookstores and independent bookstores in the Humor Sections. Contact me through this blog or better at There are some talented people out there writing good, funny, conceptual books and blogging some funny stuff. I wish I had time to read more and write more. I have a day gig and do a lot of other things, but blogging helps me stay connected to my laptop and ensures sterility (due to EMF on my testicles) which is great because I've had enough kids. Les
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18 Responses to Beauty is a Beast

  1. edrevets says:

    When a hot guy is staring at a girl, then the girl is flattered. “Who is this tall drink of water?” she says. When an ugly guy stares at a girl, she is creeped out, “Why is that loser staring at me?”


  2. Exactly. Total discrimination.

  3. aFrankAngle says:

    Bottom line, I like the way you make a point while making me laugh. However, these cracked me up … the dangly side of the fence …. Santorum caption … pic of Mitt on the Munsters … and the reminder in the last question of one of my long-time favorite punchlines – Think it will rain?

    Pics of Palin are good openers. Sure she brings attention to herself in a variety of ways, but hello Houston, would we pay as much attention to her if she looked like the pic on the right. Like I’ve about her … easy on the eyes, hard on the ears, painful on the brain.

    Well done Les!

  4. I loved this post. I accepted a long time ago that I would never be a “hot girl” and instead focused on making being covered in Doritos crumbs, having coffee stains on my shirt, and bad hair work for me. So far so good. I’ve duped a few dudes into dating me.

  5. benzeknees says:

    Like you said, this is hard-wired into us – it’s natural selection or survival of the fittest. Men are attrracted to beautiful women precisely because they are beautiful (beauty = health). A woman who has great symmetry in her face probably doesn’t have a mouth full of rotting teeth. If her skin is clear & not full of acne, then she is also probably healthy. If she has the perfect waist to hip ratio, then chances are, she will be able to bear children. If her hair is lustrous & shiny, she’s probably in good health too. Whether men realize it or not they are looking for someone to mate with & continue the species, so they want the best they can get to give their seed the best chance. This is evolution!
    For women finding themselves not as popular as the cheerleader or model – don’t take your frustrations out on a tub of ice cream, take them to the gym. Get healthier & you will also find yourself attracting a lot more men. And for those of you out there starving yourselves, remember you can’t have the perfect waist to hip ratio to attract potential mates if you’re too skinny – you also don’t look as healthy. IMHO

    • Excellent advice. Guys get away with murder in the looks department, but taking care of yourself regardless of your sex (or wheither you’re having any) is the most important thing.

  6. “There are movements against Beautyism, no doubt started by unattractive people who are yearning to be accepted and attended to.”

    hahaha, so true! That’s why I thank my mom every day for giving me the physique and bone structure of a Greek goddess. 😉

  7. Yeah, well just don’t let it go to your head!

  8. Angie Z. says:

    Way to make John Stossel look like even more of a douche. This post was fantastic!

    Great link to Speaker7’s Doritos post! That was a good one.

    The best thing I ever did was marry a good-looking guy (in my biased opinion) who grew up as a fat kid. I find that good looking adults are a whole lot better to be around if they haven’t been worshiped their entire lives.

  9. speaker7 says:

    Thanks for the Dorito-stained link! I’m happy that it was included in a paragraph about the douchestashed John Stossel.

    Our country would be so different if Ralph Nader looked like Brad Pitt.

  10. Your welcome. Yeah, why don’t the handsome guys have the good ideas?

  11. ~mimo~ says:

    a very interesting read!

  12. speaker7 says:

    Okay here’s the thing…there’s this game of tag? And people get tagged? And you answer questions and stuff? And I tagged you to force you to do what I just had to do because I’m all about sharing the love?

  13. Pingback: Why I Blog | improvmantra

  14. hello, bestbathroombooks,

    thanks for dropping by and leaving a comment… yes, what you said here are true. but you’re full of mischiefs, am afraid, haha. ^^ cheerio! 🙂

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