Okay, so we all remember sitting in Sociology 101, our professor with the elbow patches going through the mores of different societies. Everyone is shocked when he talks about the Etoro Tribe of New Guinea, whose young boys drink the sperm of their elders to enhance their vital force.
Right now, because this kind of activity is taboo in most other societies, many of you readers are making a face like you just sniffed Grampa’s undies—I can see you actually gagging through my video feed to your screen. But please hang on, because– as usual–I have a point that is not easily gleaned while on the verge of spewing chow.
Since I live in America—where drinking sperm is pretty far down the Importance List with “critical thinking” and “giving a shit about anything but my TV”, I’d like to complain just a smidge about what jackasses we are when it comes to our mores. For those of you unfamiliar with mores, they are like ‘smores, but without the chocolate melting in the middle, because melting chocolate is punishable by death in many societies—and will be in America if we’re not careful.
Okay, mores (pronounced morays, like the eel) are defined as guidelines of human conduct as dictated by a society’s families and religious beliefs.
Note: If mores is pronounced mor-ays, and Sade is pronounced Shar-day, what the foo-kay is up with the English language people?
Living in a capitalistic society and trying to make an honest buck to feed my starving family, I’ve written a book with my best friend and superior artist Joe Mielke. Joe is an honorable man, and to my knowledge has never had sex with an animal (Are you reading this Joe? Please confirm.)
So here’s a list of taboos that are NOT in our book:
Having sex with an animal
Killing people by blowing their heads off
Thefting an auto, Grandly
Stealing money from a blind guy (a real blind guy, not an actor that is just staring off into the distance)
Lying to old people about their mortgage
Making people look at or listen to Dick Cheney
Now you would think that, since our book is within the guidelines of society, there wouldn’t be a problem selling the book in a bookstore. After all, the largest genre of books sold in America is Romance, and those novels pretty much use everything on the above list, plus Fabio on the cover . Okay, they don’t have Dick Cheney in there, but don’t try to tell me there isn’t semen involved.
We, on the honorable and non-bestiality side, are promoting colon health, have already donated to the cause and believe we are saving the world one bowel movement at a time. The book isn’t vulgar and the single-line drawings are awesome.
All pretty damn noble, right?
We’ve gotten some resistance from some booksellers because these horrible subjects are covered in the book:
I’m going to go out on a limb and say that America is fu*ked up. We love sex and violence but we can’t talk about our own bodies and how they function. If someone can’t poop, they will die. Isn’t that how we lost Elvis? If they can’t pee, they will die. Isn’t that how we lost Dick Cheney? What? He’s still alive? Seriously, has anyone taken his pulse in the last five minutes?. If they can’t pass gas, they will explode–or feel bloated and less likely to want to get in an elevator. Yet these heroines on horseback posing with Fabio can drink sperm all day long and the booksellers just eat it up. Well I say America is going down the path of the Etoro Tribe, i.e. The Wrong Path.
So I’m asking, are we crazy? Is our book so bad? Why are Americans so afraid of farts?
I may have to listen to Mor-ay Shar-day just to calm the Fook-ay down.
The book is 15% off through Last Gasp for the Holidays!