Endless Celebrity Sex

They are Totally Still Doing it

I heard this today on the radio, these three words in the midst of a morning  talkshow conversation about nothing. 

Endless Celebrity Sex. 

I knew immediately these three words would be Search Engine Gold.   I still believe a combination of three words exists that can unlock an irresistible curiosity in humans, an ever-changing key made of pop-culture, frothy technology and basic human need.

And you, my friends, challenge yourselves every time you sit down to write a blog, to title that blog with these magical words, to engineer that key to a landslide of hits.  You need that shiny lure to get them to bite.  Once they bite with their eyeballs and click with the mouse, you are challenged with a new dilemma:

What do I do with a stranger’s attention?

If the title doesn’t deliver (hey, don’t click away yet, there’s some Endless Celebrity Sex coming!) many viewers/readers will be disappointed.  It’s the same thing as a rock star taping a salami to his leg or a woman with a flat butt wearing those booty jeans that suddenly make her a Sweet Mama Juicy Apple.  It may lure the unsuspecting in, but the payoff is misrepresentation, disappointment and a waste of good salami.

We all think we want Endless Celebrity Sex—but we all know, deep in our hearts, that we don’t.

HINT:  It’s why no one stays married to Pamela Anderson.

So you offer them some truth, something funny, some hidden piece of yourself.  You float it out there like a balloon.  And you wonder if anyone will ever see it again.  Because you gave a piece of yourself to the world.  But maybe you didn’t use those magical words in the title of your blog, and then the balloon floats away, disappears forever, without anyone seeing the fu*king thing you worked so hard on (yep, I just worked hard on into this blog).

So look at the evidence:

We love, crave and demand to be lied to by the media.  We expect it.  We’re not disappointed when the doctor shows up to give us a rectal exam and he doesn’t look like George Clooney.  We don’t weep when the burgers at McDonalds don’t look like the pictures on the billboard, and we don’t expect a Victoria’s Secret model to hand that burger to us.  Marketing companies spend billions trying to figure out what we want—or more importantly, what we think we want—and crafting a means to get our eyeballs and our attention.  It’s the glory of living in a capitalistic society.  But our attention spans are dwindling because the pie is getting cut into ever smaller pieces.  The fact that anyone sees that balloon floating in the sky at all is a miracle.

So the most valuable thing I am learning by buying this Blog World Lottery Ticket is that the secret to a good article is to write a good article, and then to have a good title, a good picture and a payoff.  And the Secret to having Endless Celebrity Sex is this:

Become a Celebrity.  Even if it’s in your own head.  And then put on the Barry White and get on the bearskin.  

So now, as promised, here it is: Endless Celebrity Sex


NOTE TO NEW BLOGGERS: I’m sorry this isn’t a funny blog, but I want you to know something.  Quality work is what you’re going for.  Even if no one clicks on your blog and it’s good, it’s still good (Ask Van Gogh).  So please don’t get discouraged by a half-million bloggers tapping away at their laptops, cutting and pasting and fighting for the same eyeballs.  Find your own truth.  Do good work.  And stay away from salami.






About bestbathroombooks

I run a small publishing company and am presently seeking the funniest, coolest and most marketable ideas to sell in places like Urban Outfitters, Papyrus, college bookstores and independent bookstores in the Humor Sections. Contact me through this blog or better at www.bestbathroombooks.com. There are some talented people out there writing good, funny, conceptual books and blogging some funny stuff. I wish I had time to read more and write more. I have a day gig and do a lot of other things, but blogging helps me stay connected to my laptop and ensures sterility (due to EMF on my testicles) which is great because I've had enough kids. Les
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9 Responses to Endless Celebrity Sex

  1. H.E. ELLIS says:

    I thought that was good advice. And for the record, I thought your post was funny. Especially the part about Barry White and the bearskin rug.

  2. Holy Sh*t you’re a fast reader. I just posted that like a minute ago. Thanks for reading and commenting. I left out “take our teeth out” on the Barry White line because I’ve got Endless Celebrity Class.

  3. speaker7 says:

    I liked the part about the endless celebrity sex. I will be, in fact, naming my next post “Endless Celebrity Sex, Part 2” even though it will have nothing to do with endless celebrity sex.

  4. I know. A shameful bait and switch to prove a point. Beautiful Woman on a Toilet still beats them all, followed by The Last Time You Ever Have Sex. Notice a theme?

  5. Angie Z. says:

    Uh-oh, I hope you’re not calling me out on my earlier post this week called “Shaun Cassidy’s Undies? Look no further.” That’s so passive aggressive of you. I did show him in a swimsuit, afterall.

    PS This was a great post in a philosophical/funny/endless celebrity sex sort of way.

  6. My next post: Endless Celebrity Underoos.

  7. joem18b says:

    I’ve tried a number of titles to lure readers, but still get the most hits for “Teen Sex Movies Free” and “The Meat-Only Diet.”

  8. Nice! I like the Meat-Only title. People love meat. I’m eating some right now.

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