I wanted to post photos of five pairs of breasts but I’m just not that shallow–so I just posted a pair of Dr. Drew’s. I know posting a list of Top Ten Things is like throwing crack cocaine into Tom Sizemore’s hotel room, so I decided to make a list of Top Ten Things just to help society save money. Just make sure you smoke this list slowly so the pipe doesn’t get hot and burn your fingers.
This is a Fantasy List, meaning none of it will actually happen so it’s illegal to be offended.
10) I’d like to be talking on the phone to someone who’s driving, and right in the middle of the conversation, they yell “Oh, Shit!” and then I hear screeching and crashing.
Later I find out they were in an accident. No one gets hurt.
9) I’d like to find out that Dr. Drew Pinsky is kidnapped and the kidnappers shoot him up with heroin. He then has a reality show where Dr. Phil, with newly scabby hair transplants, helps him kick the Horse.
8) I’d like to be sitting in a Starbucks writing a blog, and look out the window and see a jetliner crash into DisneyLand. Again, no one gets hurt.
7) I’d like to be sitting on a jetliner and look out the window and then crash into a Starbucks, thereby stopping someone from writing another Top Ten List.
6) I’d like to see a live interview with America’s Sweetheart Jennifer Aniston, when, while laughing at Billy Bush’s suggestion that she’s not as happy as she says, she accidentally farts very loudly.
5) I’d like to see Dick Cheney get waterboarded.
4) I’d like to see Barry Manilow call a news conference on TV, and then tell all the reporters he’s a sex addict, and then like, a hundred mistresses come up and talk about what a stud he is.
3) I’d like to see Barry Bonds’ actual teensy steroided balls, hopefully in a jar.
2) I’d like to see Al Gore pull up to a gas station in a Prius, and then when he gets out of the car, he takes the gas hose, shoves it in his mouth and just starts guzzling the gas.
1) And, the Number One thing I’d like to see is My Dog morph into a character from Twilight, and then explode.
These are the Top Ten Things I’d like to See. Maybe you have some of your own.