Men Are Bastards

I’ve always wanted to shoot fish in a barrel.  I mean literally shoot fish in a barrel.  Would the fish dodge the bullet?  Would the barrel spring holes and splinter?  Would the bullet ricochet and hit me in the head so I would stop fu#kng with this stupid axiom?

But I think we can all safely say that Men are Bastards—or A-holes, if you prefer.

NOTE: The two exceptions are:

1)      If you are a guy reading this—not you.  You are totally cool.

2)      If you are married or in a relationship.  Your guy is a sweetheart.  You got a real catch there.  I mean it.

I know this is like talking about your sister, and if she’s fat and ugly you’re the only one who can say she is.  But since I do have the required appendage, I can jog proudly down this road with things swinging to and fro that give me license to continue.  (Sorry about the visual).

First and foremost, let’s just get the sex thing over with.  Men will stick their penises into anything. Anything (and yes, this deserves italics).

Joke which illustrates my point:

Man: Work was tough today Dear.

Woman: What happened?

Man: I had the irresistible urge to stick my penis into the Pickle Slicer.  I just couldn’t help myself.

Woman:  Oh my God!  Are you okay?

Man: I’m fine but the Penis Slicer got fired.

The urge to procreate with any object is one of the main reasons Men are Bastards.  There is not an animal, a food substance or a remotely pliable object that a man, over the course of history, has not considered a willing partner.  The more quickly we all agree that Men are Bastards, the faster we can understand why things need to change.

Since I’ve got my gun out and the fish are right there, let’s just make a simple list.  Keep in mind I’m not talking about all men, just 99.9999999999% of them.

Partial List of Dead Fish with a Hole in them Because they are So Easy to Shoot:

Serial Killers



Religious Leaders


Mass Murderers

Corporation Heads


Weapon Inventors

Dick Cheney

As you can see, the list goes on and on.  Men are violent, abusive and sexually depraved.  I would include a link to a video entitled “One Man and One Cup” which my “friend” Dave said would be funny.  This is the male answer to “Two Girls and a Cup”, which I refused to watch, knowing that it would produce PTSS and I would never again be able to use a cup.

So I spared you.

There would be no “Two Girls and a Cup” if “Bastard with a Video Camera” hadn’t forced them to make it.  “One Man and a Cup” is seared into my brain and has ruined my desire to ever sit naked on a large cylindrical glass object which is destined to break and cause problems.  But a Man was happy to do this!

Men are Bastards.

There is one other important reason Men are Bastards.  It’s the second part of the Ying Yang quotient and it explains perfectly why we are destined to bring Humankind to an end.

We cannot procreate.  There, I’ve said it.  We are not able to bring forth life, so why not figure out a way to kill everything in our path?  It really is poetry when you think about it.

What’s the answer?  I don’t know.  I’m too busy being a Bastard.

Men are Bastards.  We are A-holes.  And we are really good Football Players.

About bestbathroombooks

I run a small publishing company and am presently seeking the funniest, coolest and most marketable ideas to sell in places like Urban Outfitters, Papyrus, college bookstores and independent bookstores in the Humor Sections. Contact me through this blog or better at There are some talented people out there writing good, funny, conceptual books and blogging some funny stuff. I wish I had time to read more and write more. I have a day gig and do a lot of other things, but blogging helps me stay connected to my laptop and ensures sterility (due to EMF on my testicles) which is great because I've had enough kids. Les
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6 Responses to Men Are Bastards

  1. H.E. ELLIS says:

    But an awful lot of you have nice asses, so yeah…we’re good.

  2. speaker7 says:

    Thank you for putting Dick Cheney. He is our world’s Voldemort.

  3. joem18b says:

    All men are bastards. I am a bastard. Therefore, I am a man.

    Yet I have breasts. All men are bastards, but Life is a bitch.

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