I just saw this yesterday in the window of the car in front of me. I was stuck in traffic because someone in a red car decided that it would be fun to try to pass an eighteen-wheeler on the left between the guard rail and ten tons of hurtling steel. The guard rail and truck won. The red car got crushed like a pancake.
I heard on the news that the red pancake driver did not die.
But that’s not the amazing part.
The amazing part is that anyone would post a sign on their car stating they have a:
Baby on Board
I’m trying to figure out exactly what to make of this. Here are a few of my guesses as to what the owner is trying to communicate with this sticker:
1) Hey everybody! I had sex and it was successful!
2) Hey, child-kidnappers, if I stop the car, feel free to break in and take the baby! (‘cause you know there’s one in here)
3) Attention Pedophiles: Get your cameras ready.
4) If you are driving wildly out of control and at the last minute you can either ram into the back of my car or drive your red car between the guard rail and an eighteen-wheeler, and at that last minute, after reading my Baby on Board sign, you decide that you probably don’t want to harm the baby (which is On Board by the way), I would certainly appreciate that you make an intelligent decision not to ram into my car, because, after all, there’s a Baby on Board.
I don’t mean to pick exclusively on Baby on Boarders. There are plenty of bumper stickers that trumpet opinions that are useless, like Keep Honking, I’m Reloading or My Other car is a Boat. Aren’t these hilarious? Then there’s the Rainbow sticker, so I know you’re gay (very helpful on the road), and the bumper stickers that tell me who you voted for (very useful in a traffic jam) and stickers that tell me you want me to Coexist.
My point is, if you’re going to put a bumper sticker on your car, at least make it useful to me. Here are a few of my suggestions for bumper stickers I’d like to see:
I fall asleep at the wheel a lot
I don’t always take my epilepsy medication
I’m totally wasted right now
I’m receiving oral sex and I’m about to have an orgasm
I’m from England
I didn’t pass my last eye exam
I’d rather be driving my other car, but it’s totaled just like this one will be in 30 seconds
Can you see where I’m going with this? All I’m asking is that you try to be a little more helpful with your bumper stickers. While I’m really happy you had successful sex and the sperm and egg produced a beautiful new bouncy bundle of joy, I really don’t care if you have a Baby on Board.
I just want to get home.