Driving with Grandma and Porn

Is this sexy?

Get her to a Doctor Quick

Sincerely, People.  I don’t  choose these topics, they choose me.  I’d much prefer to soak in a Calgon bath and listen to a string quartet.

And then a Cadillac Escalade drives by.

So I’m driving with the family after a dinner out.  I live in the SF Bay Area, where people are easy.

How easy?

You tell me.

We have a law coming through the San Francisco Legislature right now to force the nudists in the Castro District to place a towel on public benches, seats and chairs in restaurants.  This is a law most people would never imagine needs to be on the books, but (and it’s a big but) those same people have not taken a seat in someone else’s juices.

QUESTION: When a woman wears sweatpants with the word JUICY across the back, does this mean she’s sexy– or that she needs to get to the hospital right away?

In September of 2004 Governor Schwarzennegger signed a law to forbid people from having sex with corpses.  Up until September 2004, well, we just kind of looked the other way.

Like I said.

Now that I’ve illustrated how amazingly tolerant we are, along comes this Escalade with a 19” flat screen mounted on the headliner. Grams is sitting shotgun (for obvious reasons) when I spy this $70K car and notice there is a video running in full color as the guy passes us on the left.  He’s travelling a few miles an hour faster than me (for full physics explanation of this, see Woman Loses Finger on Freeway-a Physics Lesson) and we can clearly view into his car.

This is what my entire Tolerant Family sees:

A svelte brunette, enhanced with silicone, riding reverse-cowboy on a ballistic missile.  The bouncing that transpires makes me think I’m watching a commercial for Hippity Hop Bouncy Balls.  Come to think of it, maybe I am.  I press the accelerator, and my $15K car moves away slowly, like a hobo with a cramp.

My daughter, ever observant, asks at a decibel level slightly higher than mating monkeys, “IS THAT PORN?”

Fortunately, Grams does not know:

a)      what porn is

b)      what a reverse cowboy is

c)       what a ballistic missile looks like

The rest of us drive in silence, knowing that we are a tolerant, easy people.  After a half a mile and no foreseeable end to Freeway Video Coitus Shared by Tolerants, we get to the offramp.  We find our way home, remove the towels from our car seats, and walk back into the house.

 

http://www.bestbathroombooks.com/

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About bestbathroombooks

I run a small publishing company and am presently seeking the funniest, coolest and most marketable ideas to sell in places like Urban Outfitters, Papyrus, college bookstores and independent bookstores in the Humor Sections. Contact me through this blog or better at www.bestbathroombooks.com. There are some talented people out there writing good, funny, conceptual books and blogging some funny stuff. I wish I had time to read more and write more. I have a day gig and do a lot of other things, but blogging helps me stay connected to my laptop and ensures sterility (due to EMF on my testicles) which is great because I've had enough kids. Les
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2 Responses to Driving with Grandma and Porn

  1. speaker7 says:

    Your blog is one of the most informative on wordpress. I was always annoyed that I would have to stop my porn-watching to run errands (e.g. pick up more porn). I never realized I could be watching it in the car.

  2. Hey, I’m here to help.
    Les

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