Viagra Actor Not Really Impotent

I was hoping the first major national exposure I would get after my years of acting would be on something like “Law and Order” wherein I could sit in a room with one light bulb while Mariska Hargitay stared me down in a very intense and somehow erotic way while telling me I was a worthless piece of garbage.

No such luck.  The call I got from my agent went something like this:

“Well, Les (not my real name), we have something for you.  It’s a national campaign ad and the casting gal loves your headshot.”

“That’s great, Gig (really his name).  What is it?  Graham crackers?  Some kind of Shake and Bake for pork chops?”

These were two commercials that, everytime I saw them, I felt a tinge of envy for the father-figure actor, who was sitting at the dinner table with his family, all of them looking pretty darn happy that there were crackers/pork products on the table.

“Well, Les, not exactly.  What we’ve got for you is a bodily function commercial.”

I waited a moment just to see if Gig was kidding.

He was not.

The last time I auditioned for a BFC, it was for some kind of constipation medication.  Since I’m a method actor, I’d eaten a ton of cheese, bagels and raw pizza dough in an attempt to get into character.  They could have used me to cap the BP oil rig.  My wife even suggested she accompany me to the audition wearing an “I’m with Constipated” tee-shirt.

The woman has no conception of craft.

“Okay, Gig.  I’ll do the audition.”

Needless to say, something about the audition went extremely well (I can really exude impotence when I want to) and after about thirty times saying “if you have an erection lasting more than four hours blah, blah, blah”, I landed the gig.

Now the whole bodily function thing is opening up for me.  I’m getting calls for hemorrhoids, diarrhea, incontinence and gas.  I even had two casting agents fighting over my “enlarged prostate.”  I auditioned for a herpes commercial but they said I was too old.

Too old to have herpes?  With all my classical training, you’d think I could convince the viewing public that I have blisters on my privates.  Sometimes Hollywood just can’t see true talent when it pulls its pants down and displays make-up that looks so real you’d never know it’s golden raisins and super-glue.

So please forgive me if I’m just a little bitter.  I don’t want to become the next (whatever that red-headed lady’s name is in all the Progressive Insurance commercials).

Being type-cast is a cruel way to end a perfectly good acting career.

A final word to all of you who think it’s all glamour and sitting in dual bathtubs.

You are coming into the living rooms of America.  The money may be spectacular, and being recognized for being flaccid, bloated, gassy and blistery may seem like a dream come true, but think again.

You may never, ever, ever get a chance to play a pedophile on “Law and Order”.

 

http://www.bestbathroombooks.com/