Hold onto your seats, Women. We’re going to climb into the “pulling our own personal opinions out of our ass and passing them off as an article” train, and it’s going to be fun. But first, because I often speak for all men everywhere on a variety of subjects, let me answer a question that has been plaguing women since the beginning of time:
What Do Men Really want in Bed? (I also got this one off the Cosmo cover from 1965-2011).
A Woman. (For gay men, it’s a man.)
But let’s get back to the subject, which is phrased like this:
What Men Really Think about Women
Really? Not what men think, but what they really think? Oh, that’s a totally different thing. Because men think a lot, but we only secretly really think, especially about women. So here’s what we really think:
We’d like to have sex with you.
Sorry Men. The cat’s out of the bag. You said I could speak for all of you, and now you’re mad that I let the biggest secret out of the bag since the fact that we also like beer. OOPS! Sorry guys. I might have crossed the line with that one. I may have just loosened one of the Pillars of the Earth. (Isn’t Ken Follett great?)
I know this seems incredible, but it’s true. This is what we really think. Unless we’re gay, and then we think you are pretty cool most of the time, but we wonder why you don’t just go grab some guy’s crotch if you think he’s so hot.
Breathe deeply. Try not to panic. I know that I have rocked your world. I know that you will never look at men the same way ever, ever again. I know that many of you women thought we were thinking—I mean really thinking-thinking about other, more important stuff. We weren’t. We were thinking about having sex with you.
And now, as I look outside the window, I see a quorum of men (which means four 2/3 million) gathering to burn me at the stake.
But I did this for you. I had to tell you and all the other women What Men Really think about Women.
My work is done.
PS-Here’s my latest video. The Perfect Dinner is Delicious. Enjoy.