Deep in the bowels (sorry, but bowels is appropriate here, alrighty?) of the corporate offices of Google, there is a machine that has algorithms. I know this because I hear computer-types talking about them all the time. They are very important. They make the internet work and basically take all the information we put in, do their algorithmic magic, and calculate what we are thinking before we think it. Sometimes when I’m searching for something on Google, I don’t even type anything into the Google box, but just let my shaking, sweaty fingers hang over the keyboard, and BAM!
What I was thinking just appears.
Yeah, my laptop is better than yours.
Exhibit A: Beautiful Woman on a Toilet.
The beautiful woman is holding my book, Toiletry from A to Z, a runaway best-seller, an amazing piece of literature that has both Mr. Simon and Mr. Schuster quaking in their boots. (Available for purchase at www.bestbathroombooks.com by the way–the book, not the boots). When I decided that my next blog would include a picture of a beautiful woman on a toilet, I expected two things would happen:
1) I would get more hits on this blog than any of my previous blogs
2) I would get less hits than if I titled this blog: Beautiful Girl in Hotpants on a Toilet
Well, let’s just see, Mr. and Mrs. Control Group One, if this blog is my most successful ever. While my mind is not as advanced as the aforementioned computer-types, I’m a pretty good guesser. I’m further guessing that if I put the word “bikini” in the title, I would get even more hits. Don’t ask me how I know this. I’ve never even owned a slide rule.
So you may be wondering, “Who is this beautiful woman?”
Well, the answer, my nameless, faceless friends, is that she is an international supermodel by the name of Heidi Kardashian. I made this name up fusing supermodels with reality stars, a sure way to get the algorithms rhythming. (I did this using a calculator). She is actually related to me in some way which I cannot divulge, because my son would get upset if he knew I was using a photo of his wife in my blog, and every time you typed in her real name, this picture would come up and she would lose her job.
So I am playing this one close to the vest.
Thanks again for unwittingly helping me in my experiment, and also for rewarding bad algorithmic behavior. Your eyes are very important to me. And Google.