I’ve been thinking about this lately. I hope you haven’t. But read on! Let me ruin your day!
While we get all giddy or sweaty or go into Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome thinking about the first time we ever had sex (except for the huge amount of virgin readers that follow my every word), you probably haven’t given much thought to the last time you’ll ever have sex.
What’s the difference? The difference is that, unlike the first time you had sex, you will not know you’re having it! It’s like that time when you where fifteen and you received oral sex for the first time and you thought, “Wow, this feels pretty good! I can’t wait to have this for the rest of my life!” And then later you get married and that little party stops faster than a dump truck hitting a tree.
So let’s explore the very last time you have sex. For some, this is going to be the happiest thought to cross their minds since the Holocaust. To others, who have grown weary of the sloppiness, the grunting, the groaning, the bad breath and the humiliation of being left unsatisfied, it may be as happy as one of those Hallmark cards with a monkey on it.
NOTE: I love Hallmark cards with monkeys on them. I often wonder if it’s all the same supermodel monkey, and who the monkey’s agent is, and whether the photographer was saying things like “Come on, Bobo, work with me. We’re losing good monkey light.”
So anyway, here are a few scenarios illustrating the last time you have sex. I want you to think very carefully about this, because if you’re lucky, you will actually appreciate this final experience and not take sex for granted, like people who have great bowel movements their entire lives and don’t know that you can be extremely constipated at times and feel like you should have taken a spoon into the bathroom to help excavate the giant asteroid that somehow got lodged in your colon.
Last Sex Ever Scenarios:
You are in a limo doing it, and the limo crashes into a dump truck, which had already crashed into a tree.
After a night of insanely good sex with your girlfriend, you are involved in an accident/misunderstanding with a horse, wherein you thought you were taking a pee, and the horse thought you were handing him a rather small, flesh-colored carrot.
You get old, your body refuses to function, and you realize Viagra and KY are not covered by your health insurance.
These are some of the many situations that can facilitate the end of your sex life. I urge you to think about the last time you will ever have sex, and spend every waking moment of your life trying to make the sex you are having now not the last time.
Good wishes, Sex Soldiers
PS-Here’s a song I wrote about a girl who made me think it was the last time I ever have sex. Get our your razorblades and shot glasses, and let’s get down.