Top Ten Reasons to Write a List of Top Ten Reasons

Nine just wouldn't be the same.

Everybody loves Top Ten lists. David Letterman made millions from this idea, but even you can benefit from writing a list of any ten damn things you want, and people will read it!

To show you the benefits of writing a Top Ten List of things, I am going to write one for you here.

One: People love Top Ten Lists. (See how I repeated what I already said above?  How annoying is that?  Pretty annoying.  Don’t worry.  We’re just getting started).  People like things that come in groups of ten.  I remember when Taco Bell had tacos for 39 cents.  They also had a ten pack for $3.90.  What a deal!  Let’s buy ten tacos!

Two:  People like to know how many things they’re going to read about.  “Oh, ten things?  I have time to read about ten things.  Now if it were eleven things, I don’t think I’d have the time.  But ten?  No problem!

Three: People like to feel like they’re making progress in their lives.  Look!  I’m already on number three.  I’m 30% done!  It’s not even Wednesday, and I’m 30% done.

Four:  People like Top Ten Lists because their memories suck.  They will probably only remember one or two things, but those two things will make them look like a genius later today when someone, who has also read the Top Ten list but forgotten it completely, will subconsciously  ask a question on the Top Ten list.  You will know the answer!  You will look like a genius, or at least, mildly well-informed.

Five: Americans are secretly ashamed we never embraced the metric system while we had the chance.  Now, when someone asks how tall you are, you say “I am five nine and three sixteenths”.  We yearn for those even groups of millimeters, centimeters, meters and kilometers.  Therefore we are drawn to the Top Ten List, as a means of making up for our foolish anti-ten decisions of the past.

Six: People like the same thing over and over and over (and over).  If they could listen to the same pop song, eat the same burger and sleep ten hours a day, they would do it.  But because we have to fill up time and make money, we come up with things like Lady Gaga (to replace Madonna) and a Quadruple Bacon Cheese King Burger (to replace the Triple Bacon Cheese King Burger).  Because of this flaw in our personalities, we are drawn to Top Ten Lists.  We’ve read them a thousand times before.  We’re going for a thousand and one, Thank you very much.

Seven: We really think we might learn something from reading the list.  But then as you keep reading on, you realize that you knew everything from number one, and you’re a little disappointed.  But you’re on Seven!  There are still three more reasons!  Maybe there isn’t just more recycled crap in this list, but something that is actually new! (Don’t count on it).  We are a hopeful species, aren’t we?

Eight: People can read Top Ten Lists at work, in little chunks.  “The boss came by and I had to minify the screen and pretend I was working on the spread sheet for Thursday.  But I was on eight, I remember that much.  It wasn’t a very good list, but I’ve only got two to go, so as soon as the nosy bastard gets out of my cubicle, by golly, I’m going to finish the list just to get him back for riding my ass.”

Nine: Hormones, Endorphins and Pheromones are released when we read Top Ten Lists.  Okay, this one is total BS, but it illustrates that:1) you can’t always count on a Top Ten List to give you accurate information, and 2) when you force someone to write a Top Ten List on a subject as stupid as this one, he’s going to start making stuff up to get to the tenth reason.  But some of them were pretty good points, wouldn’t you say?

Ten: Oh My God!  I made it to ten!  Oh, I’m sorry.  The Tenth Reason:  People like to say “I read an article today” and then spout one or two of the things they learned, which makes them sound well-read, literate and interesting.  Like today, after you’ve read this, you can impress your friends with your knowledge.  You’re very welcome.

So that’s it.  Now get out there, and write your own Top Ten List.  It will probably help you get the web presence you deserve.  I know I’m dominating the web with all my blogs.  I think at least five people have read my blogs so far.  When it gets to ten, I’m going to start a new Top Ten List just for them.

About bestbathroombooks

I run a small publishing company and am presently seeking the funniest, coolest and most marketable ideas to sell in places like Urban Outfitters, Papyrus, college bookstores and independent bookstores in the Humor Sections. Contact me through this blog or better at There are some talented people out there writing good, funny, conceptual books and blogging some funny stuff. I wish I had time to read more and write more. I have a day gig and do a lot of other things, but blogging helps me stay connected to my laptop and ensures sterility (due to EMF on my testicles) which is great because I've had enough kids. Les
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10 Responses to Top Ten Reasons to Write a List of Top Ten Reasons

  1. I liked your top ten list. I am going to make a top ten list right now.

  2. WildMan says:

    Top ten reasons I hate you after reading your top ten list:
    10: I shamelessly read it for all of your reasons and knew it.
    9: I still couldn’t stop reading it
    8: I have a Nero complex
    7: I feel guilty for making a Nero joke (is it too soon?) in my top ten list that was prompted by your top ten list
    6: I think you are un-American for knocking the English system (That doesn’t make as much sense now that I read it.)
    5: Number 9 was a stupid point
    4: While I was reading a really ugly person walked by. The power of suggestion.
    3: you went in the wrong order
    2: your mom went in the wrong order (I don’t know what that means)
    1: I never liked you anyway

    • Hate is a strong word, Young Buck, so I will return yours with love. It’s great that you wrote your own Top Ten, and obviously struggled as hard as I did to get to ten. Writing’s a bitch, ain’t it?

      • WildMan says:

        Just for the record, I don’t really hate you, I was being dramatic, sorry. Now that I have cooled I realize how out of line I was. I would write the top ten reasons I am sorry for writing a top ten list about hating you, but that might be running it in the ground. Thanks for responding in love.

      • No apology necessary. I knew you weren’t hatin’. Your response was a sweet Top Ten. You’ve got a funny website and all your other readers should check it out! Les

      • WildMan says:

        You are too kind. I gave you hate and you respond by complimenting my website (thank you by the way.) In the book of Proverbs it says (not a direct quote), to return a persons hate with kindness and in doing so you will heep burning coals on their head. Which regardless of wether you like the Bible, is a provocative analogy. You are heeping burning coals on my head. Now I feel wretched.

  3. Don’t feel wretched. Just keep writin and making those funny vids. The world needs you.

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