Before you get all indignant about how you’re the only one who doesn’t lie about anything, let me stop you. Seriously, we can take this in any number of directions, all of which will prove my point, but I’m not one to gloat about being right (lie). While this is a somewhat cynical blog, it’s OK. A recent Stanford study found that being cynical will not kill you, and will even make your friends think they are living longer because you are such a pain in the ass.
So, to prove my point (and possibly make you want to kill yourself), let’s start by crunching the numbers. If you agree that we’re all grains of sand or just acknowledge that you’re one of seven billion people—that’s billion with a B (why do people say this as if spelling it instantly makes an insanely huge number comprehensible?) then you’ve got to admit you’re probably not the most important thing sitting in the McDonald’s Drive-Thru. That’s why they gave you only one fruit pie instead of two—and you did tell them two.
Okay, so if you’re one out of an infinite parade of anonymous people, what good purpose do you represent? What can one person do (besides writing blogs that actually save the world like this one)? Well, you can lie to yourself that you’re important, and go ask for your missing fruit pie (I asked for two–do they not know who I am?)
So, just for a moment, take off those Pollyanna glasses (they make you look great!) and look around you. Humankind is based on lies. It started when the first caveman drew on the walls of the cave and he drew his penis way bigger than it really is.
Since we’re in the hypothetical Drive Thru at McDonald’s, let’s take a look at that illuminated picture of that Big Mac. Ever seen anything resembling that in the real world? How about the hookers on TV? Supermodels on San Pablo? I don’t think so.
Lies, lies, lies.
Politicians? Give me a break. Marriage? Yes, I love my wife (no lie). But we lie to one another consistently about things—how else would we stay married? I won’t bring up the “Does this dress make my butt look big?” example, because my wife has never asked me this, and her butt always looks stupendous (Is my wife going to read this?)
You are a human, and you care about one thing. You. Not to admit this would be, well, lying. Stuck on the proverbial deserted island, you would kill anyone who gets in your way. It’s called survival. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Let’s not pretend you’re going to cut your foot off, sauté it with wild rosemary and serve it to your starving island mate. You are going to wait until he dies, and get him while he’s fresh. (I’ve heard the belly meat tastes like chicken).
So, give yourself a break. You’re a Big Fat Liar, surrounded by a sea of delusional liars who are just trying to be happy and justify their existence. That’s all you really want, isn’t it? To feel happy and pretend that anything you do will make a bit of difference in a hundred years. So don’t feel bad about lying to yourself and others. Don’t feel bad about anything. It’s in our DNA. You are basically a good person, and that’s what counts. Just try to be nice to the people around you and don’t let on that if the world comes to an end, you will be on the lookout for wild rosemary.