The Difference between an Erection and a Boner

What's the diff?

What’s the diff?

There are words and there are words.  It used to be you would never say the word vagina in public, and then along came the Vagina Monologues, and everyone was saying it.  And that’s fine.  I just find it amazing how some words are frowned upon while others are held in lofty esteem.

There are tests for words.  These are not tests that are written down anywhere, but merely a by-product of the flux of society.  In America, there are two tests for words that help confused people understand when and where they can say a particular word.

The first test is the coffee shop test.  If you’re in a coffee shop and you hear a word used in a transaction, it is probably okay to repeat that word in other contexts.

For instance, I was in a Peets (okay, it was a Starbucks, so kill me) and the woman ordering her coffee insisted on three and one half pumps of syrup.  “I’m just anal,” she announced to the barista over the chatter and steam.  She was obviously referring to Freud’s analytical period (yes, that has the word anal in it, so what?) and yet at the same time, she was enunciating a very private part of her anatomy to the small jittery world around her.  So, this is test one:  If she can say that in a coffee shop and no one gets offended (I didn’t see anyone spray their latte all over the caffeine addict next table over) then it is an okay word to say in public.  Good luck explaining that one to your kids.

The second test is the president test.  This is a word that you could say in front of the president at a White House dinner (this is a generic president, not anyone in particular, Mr. Limbaugh) and you would not get thrown face down on the floor with a Secret Service shoe pressed against your neck.

Let’s check a couple of words in this context and see if we get our nose broken.  The first word, as referenced above (you really have to get to the title in these blogs or everyone gets agitated) is boner.  You could say to the president (am I supposed to capitalize president?  Let me check.  Okay, since this is an unspecified president, I don’t).  Anyway, you could say to the president, “I pulled a boner by not learning more about the debt ceiling.”  You could probably get away with that, as boner in this context refers to a mistake.  If on the other hand, you said “I pulled an erection by not learning about the debt ceiling”, you might want to invest in Vicodin and a new nose, as you’d probably get slammed to floor and be escorted out the door as Anderson Cooper attempts to explain the nuances of boners and erections on the East Lawn.

The last example can be tested by both methods.  The words are poop and shit.  These words are not interchangeable, and the fact that they refer to the same waste product is immaterial.  The word poo is used around children.  They even have a bear named Winnie the Pooh, and even as children we learn to pretend that Winnie’s name is not really Winnie the Shit (although in some neighborhoods this is actually a term of endearment).  So, getting back to the coffee shop and the White House, if you were to say to the barista, “This coffee tastes like poo”, he or she would most likely smile politely and offer to remake your cappuccino, you Spoiled American with a Command of the Nuances of Language.  On the other hand, if you were to say, “This coffee tastes like shit,” you might, (on the right or wrong morning, depending on your point of view) receive a scalding cup of coffee to the face, you Rude, Ugly American.

And lastly, back to the White House, where the Secret Service are still eyeing you suspiciously, when you announce to the visiting dignitaries and the uncapitalized president, “I have to take a poo”.  Though there may be some raised eyebrows and brouhaha, you most likely will be directed to the water closet without incident.  Should you on the other hand be bold enough to announce, “I have to take a shit,” well, Hello Anderson Cooper and the ice bag.

As one to trump the entire situation, you might announce to the crowd after a fantastic toast to the debt ceiling solution you have proposed (to thunderous applause), “I must excuse myself to go to the bathroom,” at which point the Secret Service would smile and escort you politely down the hall, knowing full well that you really just needed to go take a shit.

www.bestbathroombooks.com

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About bestbathroombooks

I run a small publishing company and am presently seeking the funniest, coolest and most marketable ideas to sell in places like Urban Outfitters, Papyrus, college bookstores and independent bookstores in the Humor Sections. Contact me through this blog or better at www.bestbathroombooks.com. There are some talented people out there writing good, funny, conceptual books and blogging some funny stuff. I wish I had time to read more and write more. I have a day gig and do a lot of other things, but blogging helps me stay connected to my laptop and ensures sterility (due to EMF on my testicles) which is great because I've had enough kids. Les
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One Response to The Difference between an Erection and a Boner

  1. David Dennis says:

    This is a classic. Thanks.

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