Can you be Too Good-Looking?

I wish this was my problem but it’s not.  It’s someone I know.  He actually asked me to do this blogpost, to write something about him because he reads my blog faithfully on the train as he commutes to SF for work.  This is a departure from the usual bestbathroombooks  hijinks,  but WTF.  He didn’t know I would be writing on this subject.  He didn’t know that I would be going into detail about his life and how his life interacts with mine.  He does know, now that he’s reading it, that I think he has a problem.

His problem:

He’s too good looking.

I have known this kid since he was a drooling little toddler sh*tting his pants and eating his own snot.  I’m good friends with his mother and father and sister.  He and my son are close enough in age that once they were grown we’d go on trips together.  We took a trip to Breckenridge CO and skied on hangovers until his father broke his leg.  (I wrote an article about this experience for the SRV Times).  We partied in Mexico until it ended in glass and blood and me holding a dish towel over a gash in the kid’s leg until the medics could sew him up.

He’s been to my house and I’ve been to his a thousand times, and I we’ve drained several hundred kegs and laughed about things that weren’t funny because we were hammered enough to think they were.

In other words, we’ve been through a lot of life together.

But I worry about him.  The reason:

He gets laid way too much.  I think this may have something to do with his unfortunate symmetry and bone structure.

At 27 year old, he’s about six two, a hundred and eighty pounds of Adonis.  He’s got dark hair, tanning skin and bright blue eyes.  He has a casual, sporty sense of style, no tats, and hair that forms some kind of a mini-mohawk with a symmetrical dove tail at the back of his neck.  His grooming and appearance are typically casual and clean, but he can hold his whiskey and your attention when he’s talking to you.  He’s an excellent golfer.  He’s a phenomenal snowboarder.  He works in an office that’s probably 60% gay.  He’s just slightly the rugged side of a pretty boy, and his teeth are white when he parts his lips for an easy smile.  As his father’s friend, we will occasionally discuss his latest female friend parade.  At my age of 56, it’s hard not to notice these women—even when my own beautiful wife is sitting next to me at the dining table.

At Saturday night’s dinner, his latest friend arrived from her job in finance–a brunette beauty in her new Mercedes wearing six inch patent leather heels and business attire.  After being introduced, we shared dinner and wine, and I began to marvel at the complexity of his conundrum.  The conundrum is this:

This has happened to me at least ten times.  And every time I meet her, the woman is stunning, often a few years older (he tends to date older women), and they never seem to be around for very long.  The last woman I met—this one was a blond equestrian—he met on the train to San Francisco.  He’d noticed her and decided to approach her and ask her for her number.  The next week we were all sharing dinner together.  Another charming, beautiful woman I haven’t seen since.

When I get together with his father—and it’s often—I try to elicit a resolution to the problem I see:  The kid is eating a gourmet meal every night, but, just like a Stephen King novel or some Biggest Loser fantasy, he never seems to gain weight.  And by weight, I mean have a relationship that sticks to his ribs beyond the benefits stage.

At one point, he was dating three women at once.  The physical and emotional stamina involved in spinning this many plates alone is admirable, and yet, when I spoke with his father about all of them, he said something I found hard to believe:

His son wasn’t interested in any of them, because they all slept with him too easily.

This reminded me of a conversation I’d had with my son, when one of his buddies–we’ll call him T–broke up with his high school girlfriend.

Me:  Why did T break up with M?

My Son: He said he was getting tired of her blowjobs.

I wanted to record that to play back to T in thirty years.

So I continue to watch this plate-spinning, wondering if the plates will ever stop coming, and whether the ease of non-stop gourmet meals will make choosing one meal to enjoy the rest of his life impossible.   I can’t imagine what it would be like to have this problem.  I can’t imagine why it’s so difficult to choose a woman who might make a good partner.  I’m wondering if the process of sampling becomes so enjoyable that the kid will never sit down to a real dinner at all.

I don’t have this problem, but I know someone who does. 

Since I know you’re reading this on the train, I just gotta ask you Kid:

What you gonna do?

www.bestbathroombooks.com

About bestbathroombooks

I run a small publishing company and am presently seeking the funniest, coolest and most marketable ideas to sell in places like Urban Outfitters, Papyrus, college bookstores and independent bookstores in the Humor Sections. Contact me through this blog or better at www.bestbathroombooks.com. There are some talented people out there writing good, funny, conceptual books and blogging some funny stuff. I wish I had time to read more and write more. I have a day gig and do a lot of other things, but blogging helps me stay connected to my laptop and ensures sterility (due to EMF on my testicles) which is great because I've had enough kids. Les
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24 Responses to Can you be Too Good-Looking?

  1. Coming from a woman with a brother of unfortunate similar attributes and attitude; at a guess he will be our age (55) before he rolls over in his rumpled bed, scratches his head and possibly his nether parts as well then decides he wants the full course meal. Having sampled at the smorgasbord for all these years, he will have a tough time. Not that he won’t be able to choose mind you, those he might want as a partner will no longer be interested.

  2. Yes, that’s what I’m worried about. You listening B?

  3. speaker7 says:

    I think the best looking ones will have it the worst when the zombie apocalypse hits.

  4. Yes, that’s what I’m worried about. The zombie apocalypse. You listening B? (This answer works really well. I think I may use it from now on.)

  5. fulltimegangsta says:

    Pretty sure you need to introduce me to this guy. I love playing games and I will string him along for as long as possible without sleeping with him :) …. I love a challenge!

    By the way, there’s no such thing as TOO good looking.

  6. I don’t know, FTG. You might not be able to hold out. You better super-glue those panties.

  7. H.E. ELLIS says:

    I don’t know if he has it bad, or if he is lucky to have a built in radar for superficial women. What happens if he marries one of these all too easy women? Do they leave him when he goes gray at the temples or starts taking little blue pills? My Ex proposed to me because I refused to sleep with him. He’s a professional model so it’s not like he didn’t have options. He never trusted the ones who slept with him too soon because believe it or not, he doesn’t like being judged by his looks. It doesn’t keep him from indulging in the occasional blow job, though.

  8. H.E.! It sounds so cliche, like one of the “rules”, but it’s true. I guess everybody wants what they can’t have. Nice to hear from you.

  9. aFrankAngle says:

    Although I can’t relate, this post could simmer in his mind a while.

  10. sparklebumps says:

    Yeah, I have the same problem as this guy you know…. it’s exhausting. ;)

  11. Really? Does the Rock Star know this?

  12. Got it. You poor thing. You could always wear those buck teeth they sell at the party shops.

  13. I meant you could put the buck teeth in your cleavage.

  14. This reminds me of the old 80’s move “About Last Night” (chick flick, indeed). Jim Belushi told Rob Lowe that his problem was that we was TOO good looking and that the best thing that could happen to him would be a car accident. Not that you’re Jim Belushi, haha.

  15. It really does sound like a movie premise, and not even an original one. I guess being that good- looking and being able to take advantage of it is and experience I will never know, though I have been in car accidents. Thanks for the comment.

  16. Angie Z. says:

    Hmmmmm….I feel like I read this scenario in a Cosmo mag circa 1993. I think I was distracted by a What’s Your Dating Personality quiz that followed or else I’d tell you how it ended.

    • You got me. I did write this same piece for Cosmo in 1992 I believe. I also wrote the quiz you took, which is why you are where you are now. It has come full circle, and now you know me through this blog, and we can both understand how the universe works.

  17. well, he’s really good-looking. and he looks at me in such a way as… never mind! ;) methinks he really has and should have a problem… you do. i do. we all do have our own problems, each. ^^

    why have you been making his problem your problem since 1992, you say? aww, bbb, you have a problem, am afraid. ;) and i thought the big guys gave you enough to rest on your laurels? is it anal, oral or what kind of fixation you have there? hope your wife and children are extending you enough & apt support system. you gotta relax, man, haha. how’s the book doin,’ hey? ;)

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